Were back, and more chemical than ever

"WHETHER ITS WINE, CUISINE, SCENERY OR TESTOSTERONE, WE ARE YOUR ONE-STOP SHOP FOR EVERYTHING THAT MAKES LIFE WORTH LIVING"

--- The United Bay Area Chambers Of CommerceYes, were back, and better than ever. Bartolo Colon has just joined Melky Cabrera on the outlaw list, being suspended 50 games for rampant testosterone, and while you may not like it, it is what is it, and it glows in the dark.So we own it together, just as though they were the territorial rights to San Jose. Theres no need for us to be shy any longer. We are again on the cutting edge of syringes, topical creams, stuff you pour into your eyes, ears, nostrils and whatnot.So back off, all you outworlders. As Dobie Gray sang so many years ago in the song that should be the national anthem, The In Crowd, Other guys imitate us, but the originals still the greatest.Actually, we dont even know where the PED craze really started, just like nobody is actually sure what the first rocknroll song was. But the As of the late 80s were part of the first true craze (kind of the Sun Records of chemical enhancement), the Giants moved to the forefront when BALCO and session man Victor Conte had a series of hits in the early 2000s, and now in the space of a week, we get two more guys with the new synthetic testosterone craze.Which also isnt very new, except that baseball is now tracking more successfully for it.Now this may be a matter of shame for many of you, and you may choose to be either embarrassed or angry at this new development. If youre Buck Showalter or Jim Leyland or Mike Scioscia or Joe Maddon, you can fire out snot bubbles of fulminate rage about the advantages the As got when Colon was pitching, just as Don Mattingly and Kirk Gibson did a week ago.Well tough darts, middle schoolers. This is apparently what were good atfinding and signing guys who have an athletic epiphany that comes in a handy tube.This is not to suggest that either the Giants or As actually knew Cabrera and Colon were packing heat, as it were. We have no way of deducing that without a handy paper trail that almost certainly does not exist. In fact, this is more coincidence than anything else.But appearance is everything in a shallow world, so we own what we have to own, and we will do it proudly."A FEW OF OUR GUYS CHEAT. GET YOUR 2013 SEASON TICKETS AND FIND OUT WHOS NEXT"

-- The Giants and AthleticsLook, we could give you some song, dance and magic tricks about how we abhor this kind of thing and how it makes us look bad, but youre not going to listen to that. If you think this is about the entire Bay Area, we cant help straighten you out.So were going to wear the coat, and were going to be loud about it. I mean, if you have to take your medicine, its better to down it in one gulp, make that Hello-Kitty-Dropped-Off-A-Building face and get on with your day.So thats what were doing. Yes, baseball can fix some of its drug testing by making it perfectly transparent and independent, and Bud Selig can look all cross and bothered about how this affects his legacy, and we can all breastbeat ourselves into an angina attack about this.But wheres the fun in that?So screw it. This is us, for good or ill. Were back, and more chemical than ever. You thought we were out of the loop, but you cannot keep us down forever. Your favorite team will be next. Your favorite player will take a 50 for eye of newt concentrate, Brazilian wombat extract or pixie blood, but dont you get all smug and self-righteous. We were here first, and that will never change. So back off, pretenders."OUR BOUNDLESS ENERGY COMES IN A TUBE. ASK US HOW."

-- The side of every bus in the nine-county area.Ray Ratto is a columnist for CSNBayArea.com