Because we want you to fully understand all the issues involved in the new As-Giants spitfest, and because you and we want you to get maximum enjoyment out of it, we have put together a little play to help explain it.
We would have gotten the principals in a room to explain their positions in a calm and rational manner, but since Charlie Johnson and John Fisher are too busy with their invisibility shields to make their cases, and we couldnt really endure Lew Wolff and Larry Baer going at each other for an hour at the same time in an enclosed room, we thought this might offer some clarity.So we begin, in a seemingly quiet suburban home, in an upstairs playroom, where two obnoxious children are arguing yet again.AS: Shut up!GS: You shut up!AS: No, you shut up! You started it!GS: No, you started it!BUD SELIG (in the role of DAD): What the hells going on in there?AS: Hes being mean to me!GS: He deserves it!BUD: Do I have to get up?AS and GS: No, Dad.BUD: Then both of you shut up! Im watching a game!AS: Stop going on my side of the room!GS: Youre on my side of the room!AS: No Im not. You cant have the whole room!GS: Yes I can. Im bigger than you. You can have the garage. Or the treehouse. Or the middle of the freeway. This is mine!AS: Bite me. Im taking my share!GS: Not if I kick your butt you wont!AS: Ill kick your butt! In fact, Ill wait until youre sleeping and brain you with the lamp!GS: Oh yeah?AS: Yeah!GS: Look, you gave me your side of the room a long time ago, and I made plans to clean up my side of the room based on that.AS: That was two brothers ago, dumb ass. I dont care what your deal was with them, Im here now and I want my share back.GS: Well, youre not getting it.AS: Bite me again, yes I am. You only want my side of the room so that I cant live here any more.GS: Well, duh. If I could convince Mom and Dad to stop feeding you so you would die and I could bury you in the backyard, I would.AS: You dont even want my side of the room.GS: No I dont, but I dont want you to have it. I dont want you to have the same fun Im having. Besides, you dont want to have friends. You chase everyone you know away because youre such a slob.AS: Im NOT a slob.GS: Shut up. You let your playroom turn into an eyesore because you think you can just fix up this room now. You break your toys, or you give them to other kids in exchange for some crappy toy you get rid of the next day. Nobody wants to play with you.AS: And all your friends are snotty braggards who dress up like animals and wear fake beards like thats supposed to be cool. Your friends are lame.GS: Yeah, well, they have money that they give me because Ive convinced them Im their friend. So you can bite ME. Besides, I was here first.AS: And you did a crappier job with your side of the room until Mom and Dad painted your half and put in new carpeting.GS: Well, thats because I know how to suck up to them.As: Look, why is this such a big deal to you? Why cant you just share?GS: Because I hate your guts and I want you out. Ive always hated your guts. Ive only hated you a little less lately because it seemed like you didnt give a damn and just wanted to stay out of my way. Now youre pissing me off again.AS: Yeah, and I hate your guts. You got your part of the room fixed up and now you act like youre the king of the world. Well, now I want my side fixed up so that youll shut up for awhile.GS: And if you fix it up, then youll stay, and I dont want you here.AS: Theres nowhere else to go!GS: Well, you could wander into the woods and be killed by a bear. Im fine with that.AS: You couldnt kill me. Youre a big candy, and you always have been. Ill fix up my room, and Ill start screwing with you every day like I used to.GS: Thats my room, and youre not touching it.AS: Shut up!GS: You shut up!AS: Daaaaddd!!GS: Daaaaddd!!BUD SELIG: DAMN IT, WHAT DID I TELL YOU TWO NOT FIVE MINUTES AGO? I SAID SHUT UP, RIGHT? WE WILL DEAL WITH YOU TWO BABIES WHEN WERE DAMNED GOOD AND READY! NOW YOU SIT ON YOUR SIDE, YOU SIT ON YOUR SIDE, AND I DONT WANT TO HEAR ANOTHER PEEP OUT OF EITHER OF YOU!AS: HES BEEN DOING THIS SINCE I GOT HERE!GS: I GET TO DO IT! IM BETTER THAN YOU!AS: NO YOURE NOT! YOU SUCK!GS: YOU SUCK!BUD: IM TAKING OFF MY BELT, AND THE NEXT PERSON WHO EMITS A NOISE IS GOING TO FEEL IT!AS: I WANT TO TALK TO MOM!GS: YEAH! WE WANT MOM!BUD: MOM IS OFF FIXING THE DODGERS AND THE METS RIGHT NOW, AND WE LIKE THEM BETTER BECAUSE EACH OF THEM ARE WORTH MORE BY THEMSELVES THAN YOU ARE TOGETHER!AS: BUT THEYRE AWFUL!GS: AND THEYRE THIEVES!AS AND G'S: AND THEYRE ALWAYS IN COURT!BUD: AND THEY PAY MORE RENT THAN YOU, SO THEY MATTER AND YOU DONT! YOUR MOTHER WILL BE HOME WHEN SHES HOME, AND THEN WELL FIX THIS, YOU WHINY LITTLE CREEPS! UNTIL THEN, EITHER KEEP IT DOWN, OR ILL TAKE THE BELT TO BOTH OF YOU! GOT IT?AS AND GS: Yes Dad.BUD: God, I hate children sometimes.AS: Pssstt. I hate Dad.GS: Pssstt. I hate Dad, and I hate you too.AS: You starting up again?GS: Yeah. Wanna make something of it?Ray Ratto is a columnist for CSNBayArea.com