At this moment, I keep going back to the omnibus description of 2016 from Irish comedian and show presenter Dara O’Briain, who listed the highlights of the year as “Brexit, Donald Trump, and everything good died.”
Hey, ask any Cub fan – once he or she stops vomiting and trying to pick a fight with that policeman’s horse.
And now, the weekly stupid.
1. COLORADO (6-2, 8-0, 3-5): Idle this week. Idle is never a bad thing. ¡Viva ociosidad!
2. TEMPLE (6-3, 8-1, 5-4): Let Cincinnati hang around too long, but if you didn’t like stress, you wouldn’t be betting to begin with.
3. ALABAMA (8-0, 6-2, 4-4): Also off, but did enjoy Auburn getting hooked by Mississippi.
4. COREY KLUBER (4-0, 0.89): The Other Andrew Miller.
5. WASHINGTON (8-0, 4-4, 7-1): Just bet the over and you can pretend they’re one of the best teams in the world.
6. RUSSELL WESTBROOK AND ANTHONY DAVIS (101-29-15): Each had 50-point games in the first four days of the season, but Davis’ New Orleans Pelicans lost his game at home to Denver and Westbrook’s Oklahoma City Metorological Distubances needed overtime to beat the equally challenged Phoenix Suns. Question to metrics experts: Are points now bad indices for victory?
7. DR. RICHARD HARKAWAY, UROLOGIST/COMEDIAN (two middle fingers, one ejection after bombing Westbrook in Philadelphia Wednesday): May have found a new career as Westbrook’s nightly inspiration and morale coach.
8. SMASH MOUTH (15 members, five musical genres, lots of records sold, stuff to say): Raved about Trent Baalke in response to a tweet by KNBR’s Ray Woodson, then dogged the Oakland A’s in response to a tweet by the San Francisco Chronicle’s John Shea about Coco Crisp. Could climb the list if the band’s tweetmaster can be baited into fights over the Raiders, Giants, Warriors, Kings, Sharks, Earthquakes, Stanford, Cal, USF, St. Mary’s, Santa Clara, UOP, UC Davis, Sacramento State and Prospect High School.
9. OREGON (3-5, 1-6-1, 6-2): Smacked Arizona State to be the last team in America to cover this year. Consider this ranking a participation trophy.
10. WYOMING (6-2, 5-3, 5-3): And the meek will take out the earth for a quick weekend in Vegas.
11. MONTREAL CANADIENS (8-0-0-1, 8-1, 3-5-1): A terrible team a year ago, now cured by the healing touch of goaltender Carey Price.
12. EDMONTON OILERS (7-1-0, 6-2, 3-5): A hideously brutal team for a decade, now cured by the healing touch of Connor McDavid.
13. GEORGIA STATE (2-6, 6-2, 2-6): Good to see some teams have their priorities in order.
14. JOHN PAUL STEVENS ( a seriously bad dude, even in retirement): The former Supreme Court Justice sat through all nine innings of Game 4 in Wrigley Field, and then swore out death warrants on Corey Kluber, Jason Kipnis and Terry Francona, because he can still do stuff like that.
15. PHILADELPHIA 76ERS (0-2, 1-1, 0-2): If the Warriors are forbidden by the gods to make a run at 74 wins, well, these guys are game for a challenge. They’ve already given Westbrook a mega-triple-double and lost by 32, both games at home. But hey, it’s a process.
16. CLEMSON (8-0, 4-4, 3-5): I was going to wait for the Stanford-Arizona game to see if Bear Down could fail to cover yet again, but then I realized I couldn’t justify that level of punishment even to myself.
17. SUNDERLAND (0-8-2): The Black Cats lost to Arsenal, 4-1, improving on its 0-7-3 record of a year ago and delivering the worst start in Premier League history. If I am manager David Moyes (and I’m not, to our mutual relief), I start cheating my ass completely off.
18. KENTUCKY (5-3, 5-3, 4-4): You know the SEC East stinks if the ‘Cats still have a chance to play in the conference title game this late in the season.
19. BORUSSIA MONCHENGLADBACH (3-3-3): German Bundesliga team currently famous because a Scottish bar advertised that its game with Glasgow Celtic would be on sets in the bar, but since the owner couldn’t spell “Monchengladbach,” described it on the marquee as “A German Team.” The team is now merchandising itself as just that – “A German Team.” Perfect.
20. GEORGIA SOUTHERN (4-4, 1-7, 2-6): When you wake up and find out your neighbor’s tree fell on your car.
21. TCU (4-4, 1-7, 4-4): Never covering is one thing, but missing the over by five touchdowns in a two-overtime game? Shame floods Fort Worth.
22. MICHIGAN STATE (2-6, 2-6, 3-5): Covered against Michigan while losing, 32-23. Jim Harbaugh (8-0, 4-4, 6-2) has covered only twice in last six games, proving that Smash Mouth was right.
23. FLORIDA ATLANTIC (1-7, 1-7, 4-4): Hasn’t won since Florida International fired its head coach a month ago. Identity crisis, sympathy pains or just plain old gravity?
24. BAYLOR (6-1, 2-5, 1-6): Lost to Texas in a game apparently officiated by nine-year-olds hopped up on processed sugar. I wish I could muster some outrage about this, but Baylor.
25. THE YEAR 2087: The next time the Cubs will impinge upon your late October. And yes, that was incredibly cheap.
But look at it like this. Go away.