We’re wasting our time with this sports stuff, you know that, right? Not with the greatest pie fight in the history of political power-mongering playing out before us – especially when the pie filling is cement and roofing nails, the topping is anthrax parfait, and the crust is gravel.
Yeah. Yummy, and hateful. A meal fit for us all.
But admiring the end of politics as we know it doesn’t exactly pry a pork chop from the butcher, so let’s do this Top 25 thing as quickly and in as slapdash a fashion as we can get away with, because, well, we have now entered the “We’re all doomed so the hell with everything” stage of our national life, and that Windex-and-floor-polish-over-ice isn’t going to drink itself.
1. MICHIGAN (6-0, 4-2, 5-1): Held Rutgers to two first downs and 39 total yards. In the game. The game it won, 78-0. That’s not covering, that’s smothering. And I wonder if Jim Harbaugh asked Rutgers coach Chris Ash, “If it helps, son, I once told Pete Carroll, ‘What’s YOUR deal?’”
2. THE WASHINGTONS (9-2, 8-3, 8-3): Outscored Stanford and Oregon Saturday, 112-37, and covered by 71½. Finally, an Apple Cup we can all enjoy.
3. THE GUY HOLDING THE SIGN DURING CNN’S PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE PREP THAT READ “WORST COLLEGE GAMEDAY EVER” (unbeaten now for all eternity). I don’t have to explain why this is inspired by the divine, do I?
4. CHICAGO CUBS (2-0, 2-0): Face it, kids, not even Madison Bumgarner saves you from this.
5. RUTGERS (2-3, 2-3, 3-2): Okay, seriously. Why did you bother? And we don’t want to hear about the money you’re making in the big new conference. There isn’t enough money in the history of money for this.
6. WESTERN MICHIGAN (5-0, 5-0, 2-3): Well, someone has to have standards, damn it.
7. DAVID PRICE AND CLAYTON KERSHAW (5-14, 5.08 in October): Maybe they just don’t do well working overtime.
8. COLORADO (4-2, 6-0, 3-3): You lose by one when you’re getting five. That’s why Mike MacIntyre uses John Elway as an ottoman in Denver.
9. CHIP KELLY (28-25, 25-28, 28-19-1): Suddenly, with the knowledge that he works for crazy people who can hear a dollar bill hit a down pillow, the grim monotony of unemployment seems slightly less grim. Not grim enough to leave, of course.
10. SOUTH FLORDA (5-1, 5-1, 4-2): Stealthy, very stealthy.
11. ALABAMA (5-0, 3-2, 2-3): If Nick Saban won’t come to grips with this mediocre effort against the line, maybe Tom Herman will.
12. NAVY (4-1, 3-1-1, 3-2): Oh, never mind with that Tom Herman thing. Those Ken Niumatololo whisperers, on the other hand . . .
13. NORTH CAROLINA STATE (4-1, 4-1, 3-1-1): For drenching 58,200 so that they could beat Notre Dame in the worst game of the year, shame. For covering the 2½, sublime.
14. OHIO STATE (5-0, 4-1, 2-3): I only mention them out of a misplaced sense of obligation.
15. EVERYONE LIVE TWEETING HOCKEY OR BASKETBALL EXHIBITION GAMES (hell, you’re all going to hell): Earth has no words for you.
16. THE MIAMIS (5-11, 8-7, 6-9): The good one doesn’t cover against Florida State. The bad one doesn’t cover against Akron. And then you have the Dolphins. What a tragic waste.
17. BAYLOR (5-0, 1-4, 1-4): It’s now clear they don’t care about you.
18. FLORIDA ATLANTIC (1-4, 0-5, 4-1): It is equally clear that they care greatly about you.
19. RIVER CRACRAFT (Washington State wide receiver): Don’t be thick. His name is River Cracraft. That is sufficient.
20. TROY (4-1, 4-1, 2-3): If you’re betting Sun Belt games, your loved ones are legally empowered to bind you, take you into the woods and leave you there.
21. ARKANSAS STATE (1-4, 1-4, 1-4): On the other hand, this was the easiest money going . . . until the Red Wolves beat Georgia Southern the other night. Damn their eyes.
22. SOLDIERS, SAILORS AND PILOTS (11-4, 9-5-1, 6-9): If you throw in The Citadel’s 5-0 and the Merchant Marine’s 3-1, it’s 19-5, proving that our defense industries are in good hands.
23. LSU (3-2, 1-4, 0-5, two coaches and a third on the way): There’s a lesson in this, and that is to bet the other way.
24. THE MOST ACME CO. VS. ACME CO. GAME EVER (swear to God on this one): Apprentice School beat Williamson Trade, 63-13. No, I don’t want to know.
25. REPUBLICANS WITHDRAWING THEIR ENDORSEMENT OF DONALD TRUMP (60 some-odd and counting): Rest assured, kids, your opponents will never mention it. Neither will your kids. Except when you say you don’t have money to give them for their weekend trip to Vegas.
And until next week . . . oh, what’s the point? We’re finished as a species – unless you’re betting Western Michigan and Colorado. Just go away.