This is directed specifically at our brethren and sistren at NBC Sports Boston, especially the noted troublemakers Phil Perry and Tom Curran, who cover the New England Patriots on a daily basis.
This result proves that Bill Walsh is better than Bill Belichick. This also proves that Joe Montana is better than Tom Brady. I mean, I think that’s how Legacy Bingo works, right?
The Philadelphia Eagles won the title of Super Bowl Pinball Wizard Sunday night in a 41-33 victory over the Patriots that will be remembered mostly as a grand night for bettors over the bookies, a glorious rebirth for Nick Foles, a difficult night for the Philadelphia Police Department, and an addition to the long-running series of “Long Suffering Cities Finally Getting Theirs” that began in 2004 in Boston and moving to Chicago’s South Side, Chicago’s North Side, Cleveland, The Bay Area West and East and Houston.
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What it doesn’t mean, of course, is that Belichick and Brady have been diminished by the result of Sunday’s game, except by idiot talkmongers and manure sculptors who believe that recency bias is the same as scientific method.
This game made a mockery of defensive strength and elevated the new era. They were proud NBA combatants at a time when America’s youth is turning from football to basketball as their organized amusement of choice. The Eagles won, and if you need that to mean that the Patriots lost, go ahead. Nobody’s going to be mean to you . . . as long as you stay off social media. Social media is where scum goes to multiply.
But part of the new world order is diminishing the team with fewer points and castigating it and its denizens to the seventh circle of hell, and we want you to be happy, even if that means you have to deny the past by elevating the very recent past.
So Walsh and Montana. Or Brown and Graham, or Lombardi and Starr, or Noll and Bradshaw, or take your pick. Your favorites are now supposed to be better than New England’s favorites because that’s how this nonsense works. The last team to lose is filth because we want it to mean that.
San Francisco 49ers
But at least this way, we can hold Curran and Phil Perry and all our pals in Boston responsible. You people did this, and you will reap the whirlwind.
In fact, let’s double down on stupid AND kneejerk and say, “This wouldn’t have happened if Jimmy Garoppolo was still there.” I mean, if that’s the game we must play to remain down with the millenials, so be it.
Besides, we also have NBC Sports Philadelphia, and they’re the best people ever. I know this. I just read the box score.