Steve Kerr said he is going to apologize to official Bill Spooner for carpet-F-bombing him Saturday night in Golden State’s overtime loss to Sacramento, and this saddens those of us who have been deputized to speak for the nation.
I mean, what is the next bit of character development for the team with the best record in the NBA? The uber-nice, uber-smart, uber-wry head coach doing a heel turn, obviously.
I mean, Cleveland has LeBron James, General Manager Without Portfolio. San Antonio has Gregg Popovich, Hyper-Astute Political Pundit. Boston has Brad Stevens, The Boy King, and Isaiah Thomas, The Diabolical Gadfly. Houston has James Harden, The 19th President Of The United States.
But what does Golden State have? Nothing . . . except that they get a little snippy with each other now and then, have had a brief history with groinings, and are still the most interesting team.
[RELATED: Visible infighting leaves Warriors unrecognizable]
But Kerr as ranting maniac is a deliciously new touch, one that he should not only not apologize for, but should lionize as his way to flavor the too-cool-for-school Warrior image.
Oh, he’s tried, believe me. Saturday was his 17th technical foul in 217 games as a coach (we are not crediting him with Luke Walton’s 43 games, or with Walton’s four technicals in that time, which is still an impressive one per 13 games).
It is even more impressive given that he only got rung up five times in 910 games as a player, which is a shamefully Quakerish one per 182 games.
In other words, Kerr is ready to go, and he just needs a little bit of a push. So let’s review his disciplinary record to date:
GAME -- DATE -- OFFICIAL -- GAME RESULT
4 -- 11/5/14 -- Joey Crawford -- Beat LA Clippers
12 -- 11/23/14 -- Sean Wright -- Beat Oklahoma City
19 -- 12/6/14 -- Zach Zarba -- Beat Chicago
24 -- 12/16/14 -- Brian Forte -- Lost at Memphis
28 -- 12/25/14 -- Wright -- Lost at L.A. Clippers
37 -- 1/16/15 -- Eric Dalen -- Lost at Oklahoma City
52 -- 2/20/15 -- Ed Malloy -- Beat San Antonio
55 -- 2/26/15 -- Pat Fraher -- Lost at Cleveland
75 -- 4/2/15 -- Marc Davis* -- Beat Phoenix
96 -- 5/25/15 -- Joey Crawford -- Lost at Houston
105 -- 1/25/16 -- James Williams -- Beat San Antonio
120 -- 3/6/16 -- Michael Smith -- Lost at L.A. Lakers
127 -- 3/18/16 -- Derrick Collins -- Beat Dallas
128 -- 3/19/16 -- Eric Lewis -- Lost at San Antonio
129 -- 3/21/16 -- David Guthrie -- Beat Minnesota
170 -- 11/3/16 -- Forte -- Beat Oklahoma City
185 -- 12/1/16 -- Tiven -- Lost to Houston
190 -- 12/10/16 -- Leon Wood -- Lost at Memphis
217 -- 2/4/17 -- Spooner -- Lost at Sacramento
You’ll notice a few things here, starting with the fact that his first one came from Crawford, which was largely ceremonial – a hearty “Welcome to the league, rook” from the official against which all other human whistle-bearers are unfavorably compared.
He also stumbled about early trying to find out how best to employ the magic word – which as we all know is not "f---," "m-----f-----" or any similar fricative but "you," as in "f--- YOU, YOU f------ m-----f-----." And his ongoing back issues were realty bothering him in March of 2016, when he picked up four in 16 days and three in four.
The asterisk next to Davis’ name means the technical was later rescinded, probably after Kerr convinced them that what he actually said was, “Here’s what I told Fraher in Cleveland, but it doesn’t apply to you.”
Oh, and for those of you who hate Scott Foster so much, his name does not appear.
But his record wasn’t all that illuminating; a lot of calm players become cranky coaches, as shown in this analysis from Chris Herring in the Wall Street Journal, America’s Source For Technical Foul News.
But Kerr went from snippy lecturer – his lectures on the death of the traveling call are required reading among the desperately date-free – to Vesuvian thespian Saturday night, and while he has half as many T’s as Charlotte’s Steve Clifford this year, the season is still early, and if nothing else, Golden State stands for excellence in everything, so it will step up its hysterical profanity deployment game. Maybe they can trade for DeMarcus Cousins and lock up the title.
[RELATED: Cousins fastest ever to 16-tech limit, faces suspension and fine]
So here’s to Steve Kerr’s going rogue, fueled by his newly-developed disrespect for authority and willingness to work blue no matter what the audience. Maybe he can brighten up Wednesday’s game against Chicago by wearing a luchador mask and challenging Bulls coach Fred Hoiberg to a barbed wire steel cage match.
I mean, if he’s going to go, he should go big. Really big. Bigly big. And for the love of God, he should never apologize again, unless it comes right before he throws powder in the other guy’s eyes, smashes two beer cans together and drinks them both -- Steve Austin style -- and cackles into the camera.
The way Lute Olson would have secretly wanted.