As you've probably heard by now, today's Josh Beckett's birthday!
And I know what you're thinking: What do I get for the guy who deserves nothing?
Well, don't worry. I have you covered. Thanks to some sharp eBay research, I've found five presents that will make Beckett's 32nd birthday a memorable one.
1. Beckett loves hunting. And as all great hunters know, there's NOTHING worse than when you're tracking a sweet piece a meat and just before you're ready to blow some brains out, the sun reflects off your beer can and scares the away pray. We've all been there, right?
Right. Well, for only 9.45, you can solve all Beckett's beer-related hunting mishaps with this: The Redneck Camo Beer Belt
According to the seller, the Redneck Camo Beer Belt holds six of your favorite beers and will fit comfortably around even the biggest beer belly.
And the best part? It's not only for hunting. You can wear the Redneck Camo Belt anywhere: The grocery store, the mound, your child's christening. And no one will notice, because it's camouflage!
2. Even though his reputation's taken a hit in recent years, I'm sure Beckett still signs his share of autographs. And being the massive money maker that he is, I'm sure Beckett's often in a position whether he's agreeing to a sponsorship deal, signing the deed on a new ranch or paying his tab at Krispy Kreme where he needs to provide a signature.
And what better way to spice up his Herbie Hancock than with a novelty rubber stamp? So, for only 99 cents, I recommend this: A "Body by Ben & Jerry" rubber stamp
It's funny because it's true.
3. As we all know, Beckett's priorities are in perfect order: Above all else, he's a father first. And not just when it's convenient. It doesn't matter if it comes at the expense of his reputation, his job or his pride. He can only play 27 holes on his day off instead of 36? No problem. It's an easy sacrifice, because that's just the way it is.
You have a child, and nothing else matters. The rest of your responsibilities go out the window. The world stops. It's all about you! So, for only 129.99, nothing says "Happy Birthday, Josh" quite like this: An autographed copy of Fatherhood by Bill Cosby.
NOTE: On the off, off chance that Beckett's not a Cosby fan, you might want to throw this one in the cart for an extra 6.
4. If there's one thing Beckett loves more than fatherhood, it's Josh Beckett. Which, for only 3,499.99, makes this the PERFECT present: A 2011 Game Worn Red Alternate Josh Beckett Jersey!
The jersey comes complete with a drool stain (courtesy of his trademark seventh inning snooze), a dime-sized hole (he was smoking a cigar at the time he fell asleep) and still sports the faint aroma of a John Lackey fart (which was delivered as a joke while Beckett was zonked out)!
Josh will be so grateful that you tracked it down.
5. A win.
It doesn't cost a thing, but it's the only way we'll ever move on.
And there's no better way to celebrate a birthday.
Followed by chugging down a cold one from this sweet new beer tap.
Here's to you, Josh!