By Mary Paoletti
ESPN conference call on "Outside the Lines" to celebrate the legendary Dean Smith's 80th birthday. Bob Ley is the host. Ley welcomes in Roy Williams, George Karl and Matt Doherty.
Ley: It's a treat to have you all here. Let me begin by -- Hold on, I'm getting word that we've got a surprise visit on the line from Tyler Hansbrough! Of course, Tyler never played for Dean Smith and has had very limited contact with the former Tar Heels coach. They might have met after UNC won the 2009 National Championship; I honestly have no idea, but we here at the World Wide Leader have always had an emo crush on the kid, so, thanks for calling, Tyler!
Karl: ...Are you serious?
Doherty: You won your first title with my recruits, Roy.
Williams: Shut up, Matt. And Tyler, you need to move on, son.
Ley: Tyler? You there?
"Tyler Hansbrough" Sinister, nasal voice: Oh, I'm here. But this isn't Hansbrough, you fools.
Williams: Wait just a doggone minute; I know that voice. Krzyzewski, is that you, you stinkin' weasel?
Mike Krzyzewski: It is I.
Karl: Oh, for the love of... Look, I've got more important things to do than listen to this. Carmelo might be trying to call me to apologize right now so I can't be tying up the line. Hangs up
Ley: Well, gee, Coach K, if you wanted to send best wishes to Dean Smith on his birthday, you didn't have to use a fake name.
Williams: Man's a weasel.
Krzyzewski: Ley, you should narrate religious cartoons; you're too soft for sports. I wouldn't call what I have to say to Smith "best wishes."
Doherty: Come on, Mike. You passed him on the all-time wins list. You've won more tournament games. You've won more national championships. Just let the old man live in peace.
Krzyzewski: Matt Doherty: You disgraced the University of North Carolina. Your wins over my Duke Dynasty don't actually count because they went toward some of the Tar Heels' worst seasons in recent history. Southern Methodist is irrelevent; you are irrelevant. Go away.
Doherty: Sobs You're... evil. Hangs up
Krzyzewski: Especially nasally And then there were two.
Ley: Um. Back to the birthday... Roy... What does this day mean to Tar Heel nation?
Williams: Long pause Right. Okay. You walk outside and it's 80 degrees today, the sky is Carolina blue... it's a tribute to Coach Smith.
Krzyzewski: Cackles "The sky is Carolina blue"? Are you kidding me, Roy? How far is Dean's hand up your butt, you sad, sad little puppet? Oh, and Roy?
Williams: Another long pause Yeah?
Krzyzewski: Whispers Everybody in Kansas still hates you.
Ley: That's not true, Roy! Everybody loves you! Everybody loves everybody! We're all hap-hap-happy today!
Krzyzewski: SILENCE! I have something to say. The Duke University Blue Devils are going to be champions this season. And when we win the title -- and I am crowned Emperor of All Sports -- I am going to dedicate Duke's dominance to one Dean Smith. Then I will finally be free of The Double Standard. Happy 80th Birthday, you son of a bitch.
Williams: ...Emperor of All Sports? With the Plumlee boys?
An awkward silence falls on the line
Ley: Okie dokie, then.
Another awkward silence
Krzyzewski: I'll see you on Saturday, Roy. 8 p.m. CBS. Brace your team of mortals for yet another defeat. Hangs up
Williams: That boy ain't right.
Ley: So, there you have it: Mike Krzyzewski wishes you a very, very Happy Birthday, Dean Smith. Here's to 80 more years!
Line goes dead