By Justin Aucoin
Montreal loves its hockey. It takes it seriously. VERY seriously.
Montreal takes its hockey so seriously that it gets in quite the uproar when the Canadiens name an interim head coach who only speaks English.
It stems from the team having a bilingual coach every season for the past 30 years or so.
Its rooted in tradition and the market, and it has the media and the fan base in a frenzy. Were surprised cop cars havent been flipped or lit on fire yet. Take former WWF referee turned senile hockey reporter Dave Stubbs of Habs Inside & Out.
1) Limiting to only bilingual (aka francophone) coaches limits the potential employee pool.
2) Yes. It says that they care more about winning than their fans do, apparently. This is typically a good thing. Also, the coach is just the interim head coach; hes a plug.
Stubbys tweets really embody what the city of Montreal is going through. Its gotten so bad that even the Montreal government is trying to get involved or at least is strongly voicing its disapproval of the interim coach naming. Montreal is so far out of reality they should be in an episode of Star Trek. But we cant expect rational thought from a fan base that called 911 because of a hockey play.
Such is life when you have universal healthcare. Score one for you, Canada.
Stubbys rambling did get us thinking, though. What would other NHL teams ideal coach be if respect for franchise, market, history was taking into account.
Tampa Bay Lightning
Its time for Tampa Bay to get rid of Guy Scarface Boucher and his 1-3-1 defense for something a bit more Florida. Say, a coach thats over 80.
If they were smart theyd hire Betty White to work the bench.
Philly, known for being very sweet, gentle and caring folk, would name one of their battery-throwing comrades as head coach.
To be fair, Peter Laviolette looks like he mightve thrown a battery or two at someones head.
Wed also accept Rocky or a cheese-steak sub as fair alternates.
The Caps made the first step by firing Bruce Boudreau but what they shouldve done is replace him with an old white man whos afraid of change aka John Boehner. His coaching techniques might actually work, though.
Hehehe. We said boner.
The Ducks, of course, would have to now fire Boudreau and replace him with the only man worthy of sitting behind their bench Gordon Bombay.
Wed settle for Mickey Mouse if pressed.
Detroit Red Wings
The Red Wings should can Mike Babcock and hire in his stead some broke gangbanger raster with a criminal record as long as the Red Wings are old.
In honor of the citys history with the mob, the Blackhawks should dig up Al Capones remains, reanimate it and let him coach.
Los Angeles Kings
Instead of Darryl Sutter the Kings shouldve hired someone who truly embodies the spirit of the city a big boobed, bad tanned blonde girl. Say, someone like Pam Anderson.
Unfortunately for Kings fans, even with Pam Anderson the team isnt likely to score.