By Jon Fucile
The Red Sox lost yet again Tuesday night, falling to 2-9 on the season after losing to the Tampa Bay Rays. Luckily for them no one has noticed because the NHL playoffs are upon us. No? Eh, a guy can dream.
Anyway, after all those expectations, trades and millions of dollars spent on players the Red Sox are still failing hard. They're making the Pittsburgh Pirates look good.
Obviously changes need to be made despite the 151 remaining games. Seriously, look at the Sox record. No team has ever won the 2011 World Series after starting 2-9. Those are just the facts.
So what can be done? More practice? Meh. It is baseball. If you're standing around doing nothing right now you're practicing playing baseball.
Simply wait for the team to get their shi.... ummmm... stuff together? Psh. Patience? In Boston?!!? Poppy cock! You silly goose. Patience, ha.
Nope. The Red Sox decided to move in a direction that a lot of teams in sports go to. The strategy has never, ever worked but that didn't stop the Red Sox.
When your team isn't winning now..... sign players that used to be good but are just awful now! Obviously a player way past their prime is going to find their game again at the age of 50. Here are a few players the Sox are looking into.
First they called old friend Pedro Martinez, but he's currently busy touring with his band The Washed Ups.
Bet the Phillies miss him a bunch. No one ever told him his hair was way too greasy.
Then they called Manny. Sure, he just retired for getting busted using steroids or something again and would miss the next 100 games but that is nothing a little money in Bud Selig's pocket can't cure.
Frank Thomas got a good look. He was quite the hitter back in 1946 and the Red Sox sure could use his power hitting these days. Unfortunately Thomas has been hitting the buffet since he retired.
Although if they made him a catcher no one would get by him. Not even pie.
Boston was going to call Curt Schilling but he got a tattoo from the same guy that tattoos Pam Anderson and got hepatitis. So sad.
Shortly after he emerged from the doctor's office with a bloody sleeve and said he'd be ready to pitch next game. Then he didnt shut up about it for ten years.
The Red Sox also put in a call to a Hall of Famer and all time fan favorite but he was busy with his budding movie career.
Heard that Reggie Jackson fellow is looking for work too. He's clutch. Heard he played for some team Sox fans hate though.
Oh, well. Guess we're stuck with this current loser team!