CBT’s 2013 All Name Power Rankings
Eric Angevine breaks down the top names in college basketball
First, I’ll tell you what does NOT qualify someone for All Name status. Simply being from another country and having a representative regional name is not enough. Mildly uncommon first names are actually becoming rather standard in the sports world, so your everyday Dundrecous isn’t going to catch my eye. Names that might be funny if pronounced a certain way don’t make the grade on those merits alone, though I did bend that rule a bit.
So who did make the grade, and why? Only one way to find out. Read on, my friend.
Read the entire CBT article here.
God’sgift Achiuwa, St. John’s
It’s only fitting that the top spot go to a name that will go down as an all-time great one. God’sgift is the only player I’ve ever seen who’s sporting an apostrophe that signifies possession rather than a quick glottal stop. In addition, his first name is two words smushed into one, and it glides rather naturally into Achiuwa. His given name is impossible to shortcut; you say the whole thing, or you sound blasphemous. This is a Hall of Fame name.
McWisdom Badejo, Florida A&M
Would this name have ranked this high if I hadn’t seen Superbad? Probably not. But the image of Bill Hader in a cop uniform shouting “McWisdom, Why?!?” when Badejo commits a turnover or gorks a dunk attempt will not leave my head. In addition, this puts the A&M Rattler center in the somewhat questionable realm of McMansions and McNuggets, indicative of a mass-produced, pre-packaged imitation of real wisdom.
Sir’Dominic Pointer, St. John’s
Sir is not being used as a title here, but it sounds like it when you say it out loud. The random apostrophe is a piquant addition. And Pointer gives St. John’s two players in the top ten. Too bad great names don’t win championships all by themselves.
Hippolyte Tsafack, Memphis
I really don’t have a joke for this one. It’s simply majestic, and I love saying it.
Claybrin McMath, Bryant
Sounds like a character on Adventure Time. His McMath wasn’t too impressive last season, only adding up to 23 points in 26 appearances.
Leek Leek, Campbell
The best of a handful of redundant names this season. Brings to mind an escape of fluid from a supposedly sealed container, even though it’s spelled like a double helping of a mild onion-like veggie.
Drake U’u, Cal Poly
This guy has been a favorite for years. Plenty of people have random apostrophes in their names, plenty of guys have names with too many vowels or not enough. But the combination of all that in one gloriously short surname is worth celebrating.
Jordair Jett, St. Louis
It’s tough to live up to a name that combines parts of Michael Jordan, His Airness, and the speedy imagery of a jet. Jordair might not be quite that good, but he does pretty well for himself on a quality team. Bonus points for the dreads and the Lionel Richie moustache.
Grandy Glaze, St. Louis
If you can’t order this as a specialty drink at a Starbucks near Chaifetz Arena, there’s something wrong with this world.
Armani Cotton, Yale
Armani by itself is a great name, but paired with cotton, it’s just too perfect. Plus, he’s Ivy League.
Chad Posthumus, Morehead State
Not spelled quite right, but the impact is undeniable. Let’s recognize him prehumously.
Ya Ya Anderson, Radford
Getcha, getcha Ya Ya’s out.