The Evster: the sad, sad, sad truth behind Evan Turner's sad story

The Evster: the sad, sad, sad truth behind Evan Turner's sad story

I feel bad for Evan Turner.

I know, I know, that's ridiculous. The guy is a multi-millionaire who plays basketball for a living. He's tall. Well-built. And has over 160,000 Twitter followers. As far as I can tell, he has no visible moles on his back, and very few stray hairs sprouting out of his nips. He also has a girlfriend (and dog) who looks like this...

OH DAT MIDRIFF

... but I still feel bad for him.

Ev's having a rough time these days. During the Eastern Conference Finals, he's been stuck on the Pacers' bench, earning a DNP: Coach's Decision in four out of the first five games. When Evan does play (four minutes in Game 3), he seems to do so with his testicles firmly implanted in his own anus, a strategy unseen since the great Keith Van Horn slung 'em up for the 2002 Washington Mystics.

Fans and media all over the country have been yucking it up at ET's expense. On the cusp of free agency, Ev is struggling to prove he's any more valuable than the teammates he's fighting for playing time with: perennial journeymen Rasual Butler (Christian Street Y represent reprezent-zent) and C.J. Watson (not good at basketball). As of now, it seems like the Sixers might've gotten the better end of their deal with Indiana, flipping Turner (and a guy whose Twitter handle is @chefVOYardee) for a 2nd round pick, and a man who refused to play basketball for their team.

Is Turner really this bad? I mean, we knew he wasn't GREAT -- as evidenced by his far too common 2 for 15 shooting nights -- but was he always THIS terrible? The short answer is yes. He's always been worthless. But he was also sort of dope for like five minutes. Not dope. That's not the right word. But "not horrible"? Is that closer? I mean, yeah, sometimes he'd shoot the ball directly off the backboard, but he'd also sometimes rebound his own miss, and then put the ball back up, get his shot blocked by around three different guys, then throw up his hands at the ref and complain... but then he'd go coast-to-coast on the next play and ram over BronBron! WHAT IS THIS GUY'S DEAL? How could Evan have gone from a potential all-star (dude was averaging 17 and 6 when we traded him) to Michael Beasley 2.0? Is he just a total bozo? And can you really feel sorry for a bozo?

I have no idea.

I honestly have no clue. To this day, after 37 years on this earth, I do not know what any of the rules of this world are. I'm just a lowly blogger who needed an idea for this week's post and literally just dropped half a tuna salad sandwich on his keyboard while he was trying to write. But Evan Turner is a total enigma. And there is seriously tuna everywhere. While I clean this up, it's important to realize that in order to truly understand ET, you have to take a long, cold, hard look into his dark past.

Pretty sure he's wearing wrapping paper here.

According to Wikipedia, when Evan was a baby, he came down with chicken pox, pneumonia, asthma and measles DURING HIS FIRST YEAR ON EARTH. This led to the little fella developing severe breathing problems that required the removal of his adenoids and tonsils. Yeah, I know, adenoids aren't a thing. And yet Evan had to have them removed. Baby Evan Turner had something sliced out of his throat that doesn't even exist. Not the best way to start off life. Unfortunately, it only got worse.

At the age of three, Evan got hit by a car. BY. A. CAR. That means that as he was just starting to legitimately walk, he got nailed by a MOVING MOTOR VEHICLE. Can you imagine seeing a Volvo smash into a three-year-old? Last week I accidentally backpedalled over my nephew's foot and now my sister-in-law refuses to talk to me. Not because of that, because of something completely unrelated (I stole $20 out of her purse... for drugs), but still, her kid needs to RE-LAX. Evan ended up with a concussion and needing stitches after his accident. Later, he developed oversized teeth which caused a speech impediment. No wonder the dude can't get along with his teammates.

For the record, there is nothing sadder -- or harder for a child to overcome -- than a speech impediment. (And that includes weirdos who are born without feet!) I grew up with a kid who was super, super nice, but he also had a lisp, and had ZERO friends. That kid was me. No, no, no it wasn't, but it woulda tied up those last few sentences nicely. That's how horrible lisps are. Even in a stupid weekly column on this measly blog, I can't bring myself to even PRETEND that I had a lisp. I bet The Villain got teased mercilessly growing up. Which had a big-time effect on a his social development. Trust me, I know, because (and you're not gonna believe this), I too was teased as a kid. I was born with a rare congenital birth defect called H.P.S. (Humongo Penis Syndrome), a condition that has plagued me my entire life. It's horrible. Follow me on Instagram, ladies. Username: KikiVandewegheJr

As Evan got older, he found basketball, and a sense of purpose. No longer just the sickly kid with a lisp, he was now the sickly kid with a lisp who could also put a dumb orange ball into a hoop. But in Oak Park, Illinois, Evan's hometown, being great at something isn't really good enough. The town is full of greatness. The upper-middle class suburb may be best known for Frank Lloyd Wright's architecture (I took a guided walking tour there with my wife! and yes it was very lovely thank you very much!), but it has also churned out loads of BIG TIME celebs. Notable Oak Park natives include: Ernest Hemingway (and his beard), Dan Castellaneta (aka Homer Simps), LIEUTENANT DANGLE (from Reno 911), Bob Newhart (not dead!), Betty White (also not dead), Corey Maggette (such a good free throw shooter), Iman Shumpert (possibly has never made a free throw), HANNAH STORM (first woman to get hotter during menopause) and wait for it...

wait for it...

JUDY TENUTA!

[nbcsports_video src=//www.youtube.com/embed/j8YTXQgYaX8 width=620 height=465]

My buddy Barklev thinks that no one knows who Judy Tenuta is. I disagree. So for the three of you out there reading this who actually know who Judy Tenoots is, how 'bout Judy Tenoots!!!

I'm not quite sure why any of this matters, but it seemed worth bringing up. Growing up surrounded by such greatness -- TENUTA -- and expectations, can put a lot of pressure on a young kid.

It got even tougher for Evan as a teenager, as he chose to play ball for the biggest dicknose in the city, Coach Gene Pingatore of Saint Joseph's High School. You may remember Pingatore from Hoop Dreams. He was the dicknose supreme who booted Arthur Agee out of school and chided William Gates for his entire career, constantly comparing him to his prized former star, Isiah "Also a Dicknose" Thomas. Pingatore rules with an iron fist (and a flacid dick of a nose). There's no way Evan's years at St. Joe's could've possibly helped him grow as a human being. AND THAT'S SAD FOR HIM.

Sidenote: While I was reading up on Captain Dicknose, I found out that William Gates's son, William Jr. (aka Spoodie) currently plays basketball at Furman College in South Carolina. Spoodie got a late start playing hoops (he first attended basketball camp the summer before 8th grade) and enrolled in St. Joe's the following year. There, he played JV as a freshman, but struggled to adjust to the school, the team, and the expectations, and eventually decided to transfer back to public school. Eventually, the Gates family moved to Texas where Spoodie spent his senior year and became a stand-out player. The moral of this story: Pingatore is still a d-nose.

Also, they call William Gates's son, Spoodie!

I'd love to get back to Evan Turner, but one more thing about Deputy Dicknose: Is it me or does he sort of look exactly like that old dude from Up?

Maybe not!

BACK TO THE POINT OF THIS WHOLE ARTICLE: EVAN TURNER'S GIRLFRIEND.

MAMA MIA.

WHAT A WOMAN.

REALLY SMOOTH ARMS.

In college, it didn't get any easier for Ev. Even while he was taking his game to the next level, he struggled to make friends on the team. Turner's former teammate at Ohio State, Mark Titus, now a writer at Grantland, wrote a book about his college career and described Turner as “weird” and “the epitome of a guy who couldn’t take a joke.” Titus also wrote that Turner was “insecure, socially feebleminded, possibly bipolar... and actually one of the nicest guys you’ll ever meet when he wanted to be.”

As a pro, Evan has been constantly judged by his draft position -- #2 overall -- right behind quite possibly the best point guard who has ever played the game. That's totally unfair to Turner. No one compares to John Wall. The Wizards' stud is the most electrifying player in basketball history who is not named Sue Bird. And yet this is what Evvy must deal with. Eight picks after the Sixers took ET, the Pacers took Paul George -- THANKS, ED STEFANSKI -- who now flaunts his chiseled naked body and improving jump shot in Evan's face every day. Not lost in all this, is the fact that there is a real live human person out there named PAUL GEORGE.

Outside of Ev's time in Philly, and his current dark period in Indy, the poor guy hasn't even been able to land a decent shoe deal. ONCE AGAIN, SAD. What's the point of being an NBA player if you don't have sweet kicks? Turner is currently sponsored by the Chinese sporting goods company, Li Ning, the same company who sponsors Hasheem Thabeet and Zheng Bo.

BLAMMO!

These are Evan's sneaks:

WHY ARE THEY IN THE GRASS?!

I dunno, man. Seems to me like the guy deserves a break. I know, I know, life is hard for everyone. And Evan at least has his health. I'm not saying you have to like Evan Turnski, but you gotta feel for him a littttttttle bit. Cheerleading from the bench. Fighting with teammates in practice. Watching his stock drop lower and lower every damn day, to the point where he'll probably end up taking a one-year deal from Milwaukee this summer for a measly $4.8 milly.

It doesn't seem like that much fun to be The Villain.

Then again...

Thanks, Stefanski.

Follow The Evster @TVMWW.

NBC Sports Philadelphia Internship - Advertising/Sales

plain-peacock-logo.png

NBC Sports Philadelphia Internship - Advertising/Sales

Position Title: Intern
Department: Advertising/Sales
Company: NBC Sports Philadelphia
# of hours / week: 10 – 20 hours

Deadline: November 20

Basic Function

This position will work closely with the Vice President of Sales in generating revenue through commercial advertisements and sponsorship sales. The intern will gain first-hand sales experience through working with Sales Assistants and AEs on pitches, sales-calls and recapping material.

Duties and Responsibilities

• Assist Account Executive on preparation of Sales Presentations
• Cultivate new account leads for local sales
• Track sponsorships in specified programs
• Assist as point of contact with sponsors on game night set up and pre-game hospitality elements.
• Assist with collection of all proof of performance materials.
• Perform Competitive Network Analysis
• Update Customer database
• Other various projects as assigned

Requirements

1. Good oral and written communication skills.
2. Knowledge of sports.
3. Ability to work non-traditional hours, weekends & holidays
4. Ability to work in a fast-paced, high-pressure environment
5. Must be 19 years of age or older
6. Must be a student in pursuit of an Associate, Bachelor, Master or Juris Doctor degree
7. Must have unrestricted authorization to work in the US
8. Must have sophomore standing or above
9. Must have a 3.0 GPA

Interested students should apply here and specify they're interested in the ad/sales internship.

About NBC internships

Best of NBA: Pelicans hold off late Lakers rally for 1st win

usa-jrue-holiday.jpg
USA Today Images

Best of NBA: Pelicans hold off late Lakers rally for 1st win

LOS ANGELES -- Anthony Davis scored 27 points, DeMarcus Cousins had 20 and the New Orleans Pelicans withstood a furious rally to beat the Los Angeles Lakers 119-112 on Sunday night for their first victory of the season.

The Pelicans led by 22 points in the second quarter and were still up by double figures heading into the final period, but the Lakers made a charge despite a poor shooting night from rookie Lonzo Ball.

Reserve Jordan Clarkson had 24 points for the Lakers, but Ball shot just 3 for 13 for eight points. He did have 13 assists and eight rebounds.

Kentavious Caldwell-Pope started and scored 20 points in his first appearance for the Lakers. Rookie Kyle Kuzma also had 20.

E'Twaun Moore, who went 0 for 5 in his last game, added 19 points for the Pelicans (1-2), while Jrue Holiday and Ian Clark each had 14 (see full recap).

Wiggins' heave banks in, leads Timberwolves past Thunder
OKLAHOMA CITY -- Andrew Wiggins' 3-pointer from a few steps inside halfcourt banked in as time expired to give the Minnesota Timberwolves a 115-113 victory over the Oklahoma City Thunder on Sunday night.

Oklahoma City's Carmelo Anthony had hit a 3-pointer with 5.1 seconds left to give the Thunder the lead before the Timberwolves inbounded to Wiggins, who rushed up the court and got free with help from a crushing pick by Karl-Anthony Towns before pulling up for the winner.

Wiggins scored 27 points and Towns had 27 points and 12 rebounds for Minnesota (2-1).

Russell Westbrook scored 15 of his 31 points in the fourth quarter for the Thunder, who were coming off a loss at Utah on Saturday night. Anthony scored 23 points and Paul George scored 14 points on 6-for-20 shooting. Steven Adams had 17 points and 13 rebounds for the Thunder (see full recap).

Allen Crabbe scored 20 points, Nets beat Hawks
NEW YORK -- Allen Crabbe scored 20 points, DeMarre Carroll had 17 and the Brooklyn Nets beat the Atlanta Hawks 116-104 on Sunday.

Caris LeVert and D'Angelo Russell each had 16 points to help the Nets improve to 2-1 with their second straight victory.

Marco Belinelli had 19 points for Atlanta. The Hawks have lost two in a row to drop to 1-2.

Atlanta point guard Dennis Schroeder went down with an apparent ankle injury with 3:37 left and had to be helped off the court.

Brooklyn found a way to win once again without Jeremy Lin, who was lost for the season on opening night with a knee injury, holding off the Hawks after leading by 16 points late in the third (see full recap).