The700Level

Gabe Kapler is not a Philly Guy

You just knew the Phillies weren’t going to going to hire a manager with any experience, authority, or independence. The arrogant Matt Klentak would never allow it. Know how we know that? Klentak was way too insecure to interview the recently-fired, World Series-winning manager of the Yankees, and he only briefly interviewed the recently-fired, World Series-winning manager of the Red Sox.

But Gabe Kapler? Please. Who is this guy? He’s never managed before. He played for seven teams, but none of them were the Phillies. He’s not from here, and let’s face it: he’s very much Not a Philly Guy. Have you seen those muscle photos of him? Does he look to you like a guy who’s ever eaten a cheesesteak in his life?

If a guy doesn’t look like a plausible Wing Bowl contender, I don’t trust him to run my team.

Even worse? Kapler believes in that analytics nonsense. And he used to write a blog, where he talked about fitness, lifestyle tips, and some really disgusting uses of coconut oil. I really think that last thing is what’s going to sink Kapler’s chances to win over this team. Because if there’s anything I know about baseball locker rooms, it’s that they have no tolerance for vulgarity.

And besides, we already tried hiring a guy in this town who cared a lot about nutrition. Remind me again how it all turned out for Chip Kelly? If Kapler gets rid of Taco Tuesday, I’m out.

I know what the Phillies are trying to do here. They’re trying to get one over on us. Why do you think they announced the hire just days after another Eagles win? And it’s not a coincidence that Kapler was introduced while Angelo was in the hospital. They stole that trick from the time the Eagles fired Joe Banner.

Sure, there’s always a chance Kapler’s muscles will scare Odubel Herrera into stopping the bat flips and baserunning gaffes. But what if they don’t?

Look at all the ex-Phillies out there who could have made good managers: Larry Bowa. Mike Schmidt. Juan Samuel. Lenny Dykstra. Mitch Williams. Who’s done more for the Phillies organization -- Gabe Kapler, or Pete Rose? Not even a close call if you ask me.

Other Philly Sports Takes:

- As for the Sixers? Even if they have a .500 record, Embiid is healthy and people are actually going to games, sorry, I’m still not sold. Markelle Fultz is obviously missing this whole season and probably next, and I’m still not over the Sam Hinkie nonsense. After all, when was the last time a team, in any sport, tanked their way to a championship?

And no, the Astros don’t count -- they only won because they fired Ed Wade.

- The Eagles are 7-1. I have no complaints. But even so: Sunday against Denver is a must-win.

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