NFC East Week 16 Recap: Eagles win and everything else still goes awful

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The Eagles got a win this week for the first time in a month, defeating a division rival for the first time all season… and things still went terribly fantastic for each one of their division rivals. That pretty much sums up this year for the Iggles, which has felt like a rainy day at the beach: a potential romp full of fun and enjoyment was instead cold, wet, and miserable. And the longer they stay out, the worse it seems to get. 

On the bright side, the Birds don’t play again until the next calendar year. And while hoping a flip of the calendar can directly contribute to a flip of football fortunes might feel stupid, it’s still a heck of a lot smarter than using your potentially-concussed rookie quarterback as a lead blocker in a meaningless game.

Here’s what happened this Week in the NFC East which somehow, despite the Eagles winning, still went well for everyone:

 

New York Giants

What Happened: The Giants became the first, and only, NFC East team to be defeated by Doug Pederson’s squad in 2016. Thanks to the return of Lane Johnson, an appearance by Nelson Agholor, and a hilarious trifecta of Eli Manning interceptions, the Birds were able to squeak away with a 24-19 victory in a game the GMen need to throw out and forget as quickly as possible

Odell Beckham Jr., despite 150 yards on eleven receptions, was kept out of the endzone in this one by a bend-but-don’t-break Eagles D. OBJ reacted to this reality by literally slamming his head against a wall. SUCH PASSION! Last week we had Ezekiel Elliott doing Reggie Brown impressions, now we have Odell Beckham pretending he’s Gus Frerotte. 2016 has been a crazy year.

What It Means: Because the Eagles 2016 is actually like biting into house installation thinking it was cotton candy, the Eagles most fun moment in a month officially handed the Dallas Cowboys the NFC East crown. That’s like taking a girl out on a date, only to discover her brother was robbing your house the whole time. Blaming the Birds for the Cowboys clinching is like blaming yourself for Climate Change because you threw away that styrofoam cup; it’s not the Eagles fault really, but they ABSOLUTELY SHOULD FEEL BAD ABOUT IT. 

Silver lining? The Eagles victory over New York kept the Giants from clinching a playoff spot… for about 45 hours. Tampa Bay would fall to New Orleans Saturday afternoon, which would lock Ben McAdoo and his likely-haunted mustache into the Wild Card.

So, for the first time since 2011, Eli Manning and the Giants will be in the playoffs, despite losing like losing losers to the Eagles on Thursday. Seems about right.

What’s Next: A game against Washington that is about as meaningful to New York as a donation to The Human Fund. The Giants are locked into the #5 spot in the NFC, and likely won’t know their opponent until after the Packers-Lions game Sunday night.

 

Dallas Cowboys

What Happened:  So, with the division locked up and nothing to play for, what does Jason Garrett chose to do? Play all of his starters, of course… a risky and bone-headed decision that could have been disastrous for a Cowboys fanbase that knows all too well how one injury can derail an entire season. 

The Cowboys smashed the Detroit Lions Monday night, scoring 28 consecutive points and shutting their opponent out in the second half. The Lions were the only ones on the field who had something to play for, yet they were utterly embarrassed the final thirty minutes of this one by the now all-too-familiar cast of Cowboy Characters. Dak Prescott threw for three touchdowns, Elliott ran for two, and even Dez Bryant got in on the action with the first touchdown pass of his career. I mean, he’s no Dontari Poe, but he’s certainly better than Matt Cassel

Is there a case for the Cowboys to have been playing their starters? Sure, if you squint hard enough. One could argue that the rookie Prescott can use every available rep. And one could also argue that the Cowboys publicly shaming a potential playoff rival is an impressive step for a team looking to prove its dominance. And sure, one could argue still that giving starters nearly a month off would be detrimental overall.

But that’s dumb, and if you don’t believe me, ask Raiders fans. At some point Garrett or Jerry Jones or whoever makes the decisions in Big D needed to decide the memory wasn’t worth the iPhone memory space. A basic cost-risk analysis concludes the Cowboys playing everyone at full tilt was foolish.

The Football Gods did end up punishing Dallas for playing all their starters, though they were merciful; Pro Bowl left tackle Tyron Smith came out with a knee injury that isn’t considered serious, but that, combined with the injuries to Marcus Mariota and Derek Carr this past weekend, should be enough to ensure the Eagles face nothing but scrubs (and maybe Mark Sanchez?)  on Sunday. Of course, don’t ever bet on Jones to make the right decision.

What It Means: For the Cowboys, NOTHING! They were locked into the #1 seed before this game even started (courtesy of the Iggles, by the way), so this game means nothing except that ESPN now has more Dak-and-Zeke highlights to drool over for the next three weeks.

For Washington, however, it means that they now control their own playoff destiny, as a win this weekend would almost certainly put them into the second Wild Card. So, for the second time this weekend, an NFC East team winning helped support a rival. What a year.

What’s Next: Apparently, if Jones gets his wish, a chance for Jordan Hicks to once again ruin the Cowboys season. 

Here are the teams that can stand between the Cowboys and a berth in the Super Bowl: Atlanta, Seattle, New York, Green Bay, Detroit, and Washington. So, if you hadn’t been a Matty Ice fan before, now’s the time to convert.

 

Washington

What Happened: With their backs against the wall, Washington thoroughly demolished former Eagle Matt Barkley and the Chicago Bears 41-21. Kirk Cousins continued to earn his upcoming payday, throwing for a touchdown and rushing for two more, while former (and potential future) Eagle DeSean Jackson led the team with 114 yards in the air.

What It Means:  Coupled with Detroit’s loss on Monday night to Dallas, Washington now once again controls their own destiny. Win against a Giants team set to chill this weekend, and Jay Gruden’s squad will be in the playoffs (assuming the Lions and Packers don’t tie) for the second season in a row.

That, for Washington fans, is pretty freakin’ awesome, like how Sixers fans feel good about seven wins before Christmas. No matter what happens, this season has been a tremendous success; for the first time since Dan Snyder bought the team, his squad will be over .500 in back-to-back years. 

So forget that they won the division last year and had to slip into the final wild card this time. Forget that they’re likely to vastly overpay Kirk Cousins. Forget that Josh Norman has a $20 million cap hit next season, or that DeSean Jackson and Pierre Garcon and Chris Baker will all be free agents. And forget, most of all, that if Washington DOES miss the playoffs, it’ll be the result of a humiliating loss to a division rivals back-ups AT HOME.

Forget all of that. This has been the best two-year-stretch for Washington football in two decades. For that reality alone, Jay Gruden deserves a medal of honor.

What’s Next: A must-win game against the Giants B-Squad, followed by a Wild Card game either at Seattle, at Detroit, or at Green Bay. If Washington can get a playoff victory for the first time since Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith came out in theaters, they’ll get a chance to make their season truly historic when they face the Dallas Cowboys.

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