Bailey Zappe vs. Mac Jones is a juicy story with low stakes -- no one thinks the Patriots are winning a Super Bowl anytime soon behind either of them.
The Bruins have dispensed with all pretense of playing defense, which should make for one hell of a David Pastrnak contract drive, but he ain't hoisting Lord Stanley's cup in Black and Gold this season.
The Red Sox? Sheesh. At least Kyle Schwarber is launching postseason bombs for the Phillies and then being interviewed about them by David Ortiz.
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By the standards of our lovable little 21st century title town, Boston is entering a fallow period, but don't worry, America. You're not done with us yet.
Say hello to the Celtics.
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After a surprisingly tumultuous offseason, the defending Eastern Conference champs opened on Tuesday night with a convincing 126-117 victory over the Philadelphia 76ers. Jayson Tatum and Jaylen Brown dropped 35 apiece, newcomer Malcolm Brogdon chipped in 16, Grant Williams didn't miss a shot, and the Celtics showed Joel Embiid and James Harden exactly where they reside in the conference pecking order.
Boston Celtics
These being the Celtics, the game included its share of melodrama, but that's part of their allure, too. Marcus Smart tangled with and then tripped Embiid, who dives like a 7-foot Neymar. Brown leapt to his defense and later declared, "we're not taking no mess this year." Tatum earned a tech on an Al Horford foul call that was overturned.
But after an early period of discombobulation when the C's wouldn't stop fouling Harden's 3-point attempts, they exerted their will in ways that surpassed even last season's blitzkrieg, particularly offensively.
Forsberg: Jaylen Brown gives Celtics a new mantra after statement win
The Celtics wanted to run, and the Sixers couldn't stop them. Tatum and Brown torched slower defenders in the open floor, and Brogdon, Smart, and Derrick White pushed the pace. Don't be surprised if they litter the season with blowouts.
Be even less surprised if you can't turn away.
Boston hasn't really been a basketball town since Larry Bird retired 30 years ago. The C's experienced a brief resurgence while winning it all in 2008, but for half that season, the pursuit of perfection in Foxboro dominated our attention. The new Big Three made another Finals run in 2010, but we recognized it as their last stand.
These Celtics are different. Six years into the Tatum-Brown partnership, they're actually just getting started, because the story of this team isn't the shocking offseason upheaval that unmoored the organization on the eve of training camp, it's the journey from young and unproven to legitimate title contenders.
They stunned us by reaching last year's Finals, where a better, deeper, more experienced Warriors team showed them how it's done. Tatum may have been First-Team All-NBA, but the best player in the world for those six games was the joyous Steph Curry, a basketball escape artist of unparalleled creativity.
It's a necessary step for practically every champion, unless you're Magic Johnson winning it all as a rookie (and even he needed to be embarrassed by the Celtics in 1984 to reach his greatest heights). The Celtics were knocked down and now they're getting back up like Micky Ward, ready to show that the fight hasn't even begun.
Celtics Talk POSTGAME POD: The Jays lead Celtics to Opening Night win over 76ers | Listen & Subscribe
Tatum and Brown are going to be a problem all season as they make their bid for best duo in the NBA. Brogdon already looks exactly like the steadying hand the team needed off the bench. Williams didn't force his offense, Smart played the role of pest to perfection, and the ageless Horford remains stout.
There's so much to like and so many reasons to watch. Nothing against Giannis Antetokounmpo and Khris Middleton in Milwaukee, or Jimmy Butler and Co. in Miami, or Donovan Mitchell and the impressively retooled Cavaliers, but the road to the Finals in the East is paved in green.
Since the turn of the century, Boston has measured success in titles. By that standard, there's only one team in town to watch this year. The Celtics have the talent, the storylines, and the drama to command the stage, and 81 games remain.
Let's party.