Earlier on Wednesday morning, the Bears dropped this slickly-produced video on Twitter: 

The renovations at Halas Hall have been going on for some time now, with the team offering a sneak peek at the new facilities as the regular season underway. They're PRETTY STOKED about it:

"This is all stuff that I think helps make our coaches better, it helps make our players better because it's new," Matt Nagy said on Tuesday. "And there's a lot of reasons behind what we're doing. And then I think more than anything I think all of us want to appreciate coming to work. And if you don't, or if your environment is just a little bit off, it can sometimes damper where you're at no matter what you're doing. When you all come through here and walk through here, if you're in a bad mood you're not really that human."

"I said it when we came back, I couldn't believe it, I feel like they're giving Alabama a run for their money," Eddie Jackson added. "Sorry Coach [Saban]." 

It is not even 10 A.M. at the time of this writing, and I have already watched this video 45 times. I have watched this video so many times that I'm maybe coming around on the sand pit? Seeing that it's the last week of preseason, and there will be plenty of time for depth cornerback conversations in the days to come, let's take this brief moment and do what we do best during the last week of August: conjure content out of thin air! Here are some the new features of Halas Hall - worst to first, obv - ranked in an extremely subjective manner: 


Not mentioned: Ryan Pace's Office (he has a desk! and windows!); draft room; football fields: both indoors and out (100 yards long, green); weight room (weights, Bears logos, you get it). 

7. Coaches Lobby

I'm sorry, what is this. A coaches lobby? So it's not a lobby for players/fans, but not an office for coaches. Instead, it is a lobby for coaches. It's fit with some couches, some chairs, a door, and one (1) plant. Why haven't the coaches turned the lights on yet? Couldn't the mounted TV on that GIANT WALL have been a little bigger? If someone from the Bears is reading this, please let me know what the point of a coaches lobby is. 

6. Meeting Rooms

In a weird way, I sort of commend the Bears for this flex. The NFL drives so much content that people are literally putting b-roll of conference rooms into their hype videos. Not just one shot, either: 

Look at that lumbar support! 

They went into multiple meeting rooms to grab differing stills of empty desks and chairs. One was not enough, but neither was two.

It's a good thing that they put the position titles on walls.  How would Adam Shaheen, Trey Burton, Ben Braunecker, and Bradley Sowell otherwise know what type of meeting they were all in together, at the same time, with their tight ends coach? 

5. Sand Pit (!!!) 


Honestly, hell yes. Sand pit. They're not BS'ing you, either - it is quite literally a giant pit of sand. Nothing more, nothing less. It's not RehabilitationZone spon. by Aurelio's, or The Urlacher Pit in the Luckman Wing of Halas Hall on Ditka road. No, it's just your run-of-the-mill sand pit, and bless the Bears for labeling it as such. 

Sand pit! 

4. X-Ray Room 

If you have not once ever been to a doctors office in your entire life, this is what X-Ray rooms look like. 

3. Player's Entrance

Admittedly, this is a Very Cool entrance. I'm willing to bet my entire net worth that this hallway will play a major role in whatever gameday hype video the team has fully loaded for September 5th. Tarik Cohen dancing in the throwbacks? Khalil Mack bull rushing? A mean-muggin' Mitch Trubisky patting the football before extending it out towards the camera, and what's that? The NFL's 100 year logo is center frame? I have seen this exact pregame clip one hundred times for one hundred different teams and frankly I love each one just as much as the last. It certainly beats the Press Entrance, which is just a four mile trudge through an endless sea of parking lots. 

2. Pool/Spa

Really digging the vibe. I'm at a loss for why the Bears didn't bother turning on the lights for any of these shots, but it works here. If I could install a pool/spa into my crumbling one-bedroom I would, so we're on the same page, Bears. Put Club Dub in this pool/spa. Are these just pools? Or are they tubs? Are there jets, and how many settings are we working with? Are they chlorinated properly? Why is it not also labeled like the Tight Ends room? I have several concerns about this pool/spa. 

1. Salt Bath Pod


I don't know what this is. It is the coolest-looking thing in this video, though, and Salt Bath Pod has enough of a futuristic ring to it to sound important. I imagine that players who are fed up with those outdated fresh water pods now have their solution? Frankly, all I see is a glowing Hippo mouth.