1. Patriots (9-0; last week No. 1): Even without Julian Edelman, the Patriots may have cleared the last major hurdle on their schedule.
2. Panthers (9-0; No. 3): If the No Fun League doesn’t throw a flag on Cam Newton’s celebrations, why should anyone else?
3. Cardinals (7-2; No. 4): The team that once perpetually sucked now has a quarterback who is willing to do the “suck it” gesture.
4. Bengals (8-1; No. 2): To say the Red Rifle played last night like a Red Ryder BB Gun is sort of an insult to BB guns.
5. Vikings (7-2; No. 7): With Green Bay and Denver losing, it was impossible to keep a team that doesn’t feel like it has earned top-five status out of the top five.
6. Packers (6-3; No. 5): From R-E-L-A-X to R-E-F-L-U-X.
7. Broncos (7-2; No. 6): Peyton Manning’s “health” will hinge in large part on Brock Osweiler’s play.
8. Steelers (6-4; No. 8): To recover from his foot injury, Ben Roethlisberger drank a lot of milk. We already can tell he’s eaten a lot of cookies.
9. Bills (5-4; No. 16): The Bills will go as far as LeSean McCoy can take them.
10. Seahawks (4-5; No. 10): The Legion of Boom is now getting blown up on a regular basis.
11. Raiders (4-5; No. 11): Even with two straight losses, the Raiders could be a factor in the AFC.
12. Jets (5-4; No. 12): To say that the honeymoon is over for Todd Bowles would be to assume that Jets fans ever really gave him one.
13. Falcons (6-3; No. 13): The window is closing on what once seemed to be a sure-fire return to the playoffs.
14. Bears (4-5; No. 26): It probably would have been easier for John Fox to get his revenge against John Elway if they hadn’t benched Peyton Manning.
15. Giants (5-5; No. 15): Ryan Mallett would fit in well with this team; neither knows how to manage a clock.
16. Rams (4-5; No. 9): It’s one thing to play down to the level of the competition. It’s another to play grossly below it.
17. Dolphins (4-5; No. 19): The Dan Campbell-to-Canton train is back on the tracks.
18. Colts (4-5; No. 18): It’s a dead heat with Houston, and the Colts will for now be led by that quarterback who was “literally on his deathbed.”
19. Texans (4-5; No. 25): T.J. played like an M.F., and then J.J. acted like an A.H.
20. Chiefs (4-5; No. 22): Yes, beating Peyton Manning and the Broncos is currently worth only a two-spot bump.
21. Washington (4-5; No. 21): Washington could end up being the least bad of four horrible NFC East teams. Hooray?
22. Eagles (4-5; No. 14): To all those Eagles fans who had been complaining about Sam Bradford: Enjoy his backup.
23. Buccaneers (4-5; No. 23): Jameis Winston already has more wins as a rookie than Peyton Manning mustered. #justsayin.
24. Saints (4-6; No. 17): Rob Ryan likely will be waiting a little longer than five minutes for his next job.
25. Jaguars (3-6; No. 28): Even if they outscore Tennessee on Thursday night, the Grey Poupon uniforms already make the outcome a loss.
26. Lions (2-7; No. 32): Maybe Jim Caldwell should be the new leader of the franchise.
27. 49ers (3-6; No. 27): Somehow, they’re only one game in the standings behind the Seahawks.
28. Chargers (2-7; No. 31): There could be a record number of teams with franchise quarterbacks looking for new coaches.
29. Titans (2-7; No. 30): Chip Kelly can’t get to Nashville soon enough.
30. Cowboys (2-7; No. 20): This year’s quest for gloryhole has gone down the drain.
31. Ravens (2-7; No. 24): The old Browns and the new Browns have cornered the market on the bottom of the barrel.
32. Browns (2-8; No. 29): The Factory of Sadness already has started its holiday production schedule.