1. Eagles (7-1; No. 1): If the Dolphins were trying to send a message to Jay Ajayi by trading him to the best team in football, he’s probably not upset about receiving it.
2. Patriots (6-2; No. 2): “The Patriots might choose Jimmy Garoppolo over Tom Brady.”
3. Steelers (6-2; No. 3): Today, JuJu Smith-Schuster supplants Martavis Bryant. Eventually, he’ll supplant Antonio Brown.
4. Chiefs (6-2; No. 4): If the Denver offense wasn’t so bad, the Kansas City offense wouldn’t have been nearly good enough to deliver a win on Monday night.
5. Seahawks (5-2; No. 5): It’s nice to see the Seahawks finally admit that it’s important to have good offensive linemen.
6. Vikings (6-2; No. 6): Isn’t the team hosting the Super Bowl supposed to be jinxed?
7. Bills (5-2; No. 8): They can make it to the playoffs, but can they win once they get there?
8. Rams (5-2; No. 7): The arrival of Duane Brown in Seattle will make it even harder for the Rams to topple Seattle.
9. Saints (5-2; No. 10): When are we going to not be surprised by what the Saints are doing?
10. Panthers (5-3; No. 12): Cam Newton says he doesn’t want to be Debbie Downer, but he reserves the right to periodically be Petey McPoutenpout.
11. Falcons (4-3; No. 14): It rained so hard on the Falcons in New Jersey on Sunday that their stadium is leaking.
12. Texans (3-4; No. 11): Few losses in recent years have been more encouraging for a franchise than Houston’s loss in Seattle.
13. Washington (3-4; No. 13): They lost on Sunday, but they won on Monday when Kirk Cousins lost a major potential suitor for 2018.
14. Titans (4-3; No. 15): They’ll need to perform better than they did in Cleveland, if they hope to keep pace in the AFC South.
15. Jaguars (4-3; No. 17): Hopefully the bye week broke the good-week-bad-week streak.
16. Cowboys (4-3; No. 18): The Ezekiel Elliott suspension could keep the Cowboys out of the playoffs, and get the Commissioner out of a job.
17. Ravens (4-4; No. 27): Given how well they perform against the Patriots and Dolphins, the Ravens should petition for relocation to the AFC East.
18. Dolphins (4-3; No. 9): That the Dolphins are 4-3 despite a pair of shutouts in which they gave up 60 total points is the best evidence for a league that will continue to be completely unpredictable for the rest of the year, and hopefully beyond.
19. Lions (3-4; No. 16): The highest-paid quarterback can’t buy touchdowns without a running game.
20. Chargers (3-5; No. 19): Dan Orlovsky feels bad for Travis Benjamin.
21. Raiders (3-5; No. 20): A season-saving win followed by a season-jeopardizing win is no way to go through the middle portion of a season.
22. Packers (4-3; No. 22): It’s good that they used the bye week to bolster the roster through trades and free-agency signings. Wait, this is the Packers we’re talking about.
23. Bengals (3-4; No. 25): Being just good enough to beat the Colts at home isn’t nearly good enough to avoid major changes after the season.
24. Broncos (3-4; No. 21): Maybe John Elway should just play quarterback.
25. Bears (3-5; No. 23): They were dressed like the Super Bowl XX Bears, and they were playing in the same stadium. But that wasn’t Tony Eason and the ’85 Patriots on the other side of the line.
26. Jets (3-5; No. 24): “Hey, why didn’t we get a chance to give up way too much to get Jimmy Garoppolo?”
27. Buccaneers (2-5; No. 26): They’ve never signed a quarterback they drafted to a second contract. Why do I suddenly have a feeling this will continue?
28. Colts (2-6; No. 28): Suck for Luck. Suck with Luck. Suck without Luck. Just plain suck.
29. Cardinals (3-4; No. 29): The good news is they won’t have to face Jimmy Garoppolo this week. The better news is they’re playing the 49ers.
30. Giants (1-6; No. 30): It sounds like coach Ben McAdoo and G.M. Jerry Reese used the bye week to cycle through the various stages of grief and arrive at acceptance.
31. 49ers (0-8; No. 31): “Jimmy’s new in town. Jimmy doesn’t see as many people in the stands as Jimmy used to.”
32. Browns (0-8; No. 32): The jersey with all the names of the failed quarterbacks who have played for the franchise can now be supplemented with a jersey displaying the names of all the franchise quarterbacks they’ve failed to acquire.