We made it. We really made it. It’s finally August, which means fantasy football drafts are popping up on your calendar. Those draft nights you scheduled months in advance are next week, or later this month, and it’s time to start planning every little detail in order to finally secure that league title - or maybe defend last year’s championship.
And what’s a fantasy team without a stupidly great team name? Nothing, that’s what.
Eagles fans will be thrilled to know they have a bevy of unique names on the roster this year to turn into dumb puns that you’ll regret by Week 8, so without further ado, here’s a rundown of a few truly awful - but also excellent - options for your team’s big rebrand:
Look, it’s hard to get excited about JJ Arcega-Whiteside right now. The guy has 14 catches in two seasons with the Birds; not exactly second-round stuff. But! If your fantasy team has been a little rough over the last couple years, why not buy low on a guy who (maybe? possibly?) has some upside left in him? Roll with it. And if he doesn’t do anything again this year, just say you were making a Killers reference and you’re safe.
Don’t Sweat It
Josh Sweat is quietly one of the more exciting young players on the Eagles’ roster. The 24-year-old Florida State product racked up 6.0 sacks and three forced fumbles last year and is in line for an explosive fourth year with the Birds, particularly considering it’s a contract year and he stands to make big bucks next offseason. Looking for a name that’ll have your roster laid-back as you enter the year? Trying to establish a Sean McVay-like culture of cool and relatable winning for your squad? Don’t Sweat It, fellas - we’ve got this.
The Hurts Locker
Barring a blockbuster trade, Jalen Hurts will begin his second year in Philly as the Birds’ QB1. It’s an unbelievable scenario, but fans are leaning into the idea of Hurts as The Guy, so maybe you should do the same. Combining Hurts’ name with the film The Hurt Locker gives you a pretty intimidating title: opponents coming into your house know they’re going to be dealt some serious pain.
Arryn' It Out
A punter pun? A PUN-ter?! Sorry, this one is a lot. The Cam Johnston era is over in Philly and Arryn Siposs is the new punter in town. His name is awesome for so many reasons, but the fact that he literally puts the ball into the air and his name is Arryn? Phenomenal. Talk about speaking something into existence. If you’re focusing your fantasy team on your wide receivers and quarterbacks, this one is a no-brainer.
Let's Get McLeod
This name is an all-encompassing brand opportunity. You’ve got the player tie-in with Rodney McLeod; you’ve got the theme song in Jennifer Lopez’s “Let’s Get Loud”; and you’ve got a reason to just yell way louder than you need to at your league’s fantasy draft. It’s your team name! If your friends get mad at you for screaming and celebrating a fifth-round sleeper pick, it sounds like you need new friends. It’s time to get McLeod.
We all know that Kerryon Johnson’s name turns into “Kerryon My Wayward Son”, but if you don’t actually draft Kerryon Johnson… the name kind of doesn’t make any sense for your fantasy team? Instead let’s go with Kerryon Luggage, where you get to capitalize on Johnson’s fantastic and unique first name while also making it clear that the guys you draft are the creme de la creme. What do you put in your carry-on luggage on a flight? The absolute essentials. The stuff you know you’re going to need, and don’t want to be separated from. That’s how you should feel about your players. Kerry on, now.
This one hinges on Michael Jacquet, an otherwise fringe football player, earning playing time this season. Jacquet played 159 defensive snaps last year for the Eagles, and he figures to be in a training camp competition for a spot in the secondary again this year. If you’re the kind of person who likes to take the top-ranked fantasy defense/special teams unit every single time, the idea of naming your team after a straight jacket has to be appealing, right? I’m sold.
All's Well That Gains Well
I was a big fan of the Kenneth Gainwell pick at the time, and I’ve only grown more enamored with the pick since the draft. He’s gonna be great. And fantasy football is nothing if not a sport that rewards gaining. It’s the ultimate counting stat sport, where piling up yards and touchdowns matter and nothing else even exists. Gainwell is going to be a sleeper for a lot of people this year, and if you have your sights set on blowing your opponents out, make Kenny G your team’s namesake. You won’t regret it.
Subscribe to the Eagle Eye podcast: