I didn’t know we could sue. 

Nobody told me we could sue. This changes everything. 

Instead of simply dealing with heartbreak the way hundreds of thousands of fans have done for decades, for centuries, New Orleans Saints fans have filed two separate civil suits against the NFL after a no-call inflicted anguish and emotional trauma.

The Saints did get screwed by that clear defensive pass interference that wasn’t called in the fourth quarter of Sunday’s NFC Championship Game loss. But the evidence shows they still had a lead after that drive and Drew Brees did get the ball back to start the overtime against the Rams. 

At first, I thought it was pretty silly for Saints fans to sue the NFL, but then it got me thinking … if we’re suing, I’ve got a litigation list of my own. 

So the following should expect to hear from my attorneys: 

Joe Carter: You, sir, ruined my childhood. I was 5 years old when Carter hit that home run in the World Series in 1993. At that point in my life, there hadn’t been much pain. I just assumed the Phillies would win the World Series. Why wouldn’t they? I mean, talk about anguish. You ruined 5-year-old Dave’s generally happy disposition. Sure, Mitch Williams deserves plenty of blame and I know he got it in this town, but I’ll never be able to hear the name “Joe Carter” without a shiver going down my spine. It’s still hard to watch. That’s gotta be worth something in the court of law.


The Patriots: This was long before I covered the Eagles. In fact, I was still in high school when the Patriots beat the Eagles in the Super Bowl. Although that loss was avenged last year by a different Eagles team, the thought here is still that the Patriots cheated in 2005. Even former Eagles linebackers coach Steve Spagnuolo thinks the Patriots cheated in the Super Bowl. This was, of course, before the whole Spygate drama, so it went under the radar back then. But a good portion of those Eagles players still think they were cheated out of a Super Bowl. Your honor! 

Scott Stevens: We saw just 7 minutes and 50 seconds of Game 7 of the 2000 Eastern Conference Finals before Stevens demolished Eric Lindros, who was caught skating with his head down. The Flyers lost the game 2-1 after they once led the series 3-1 and it was the last play of Lindros’ career with the Flyers. By today’s standards, that hit is completely illegal. I’d like this to get to trial under today’s standards, please. 

The Lakers: You shouldn’t be allowed to have Shaq and Kobe on the same team. It’s just not fair. Sure, by today’s standards, that’s far from a mega-team, but back then? It was just unfair. How were the Sixers supposed to deal with that? At least that one game was fun. Game 1 of the Finals that season was the only game the Lakers lost in the 2001 postseason. We’ll always have that. 

Blaine Bishop’s groin: I don’t really know how we’re supposed to sue a groin, and Bishop’s groin is now 48 years old. But back then, it was the injured groin that allowed Joe Jurevicius to spring free on a 71-yard third-down conversion in the first half of the 2002 NFC Championship Game. Momentum swung the wrong way and the underdog Bucs crushed the Eagles 27-10 and went on to beat the Raiders in the Super Bowl. Everyone in Philly still thinks the Eagles would have won that Super Bowl if they got there and they might be right. 

Yankees fans: Cliff Lee got the win in Game 1 of the 2009 World Series and now it was Pedro Martinez’s turn. But you Yankees fans just couldn’t let the past die. You just had to start the “Who’s your daddy?” chants, didn’t you? Well … it turned out the Yankees were still Pedro’s daddy. He wasn’t bad in that game, striking out eight over six innings, but he did give up two homers and three earned runs in the 3-1 loss in New York. We even have visual proof for this one. I’m suing for mental anguish because of mental anguish inflicted upon Pedro. Get out of that! 


The puck in 2010: I’m all for suing the puck that left Patrick Kane’s stick and somehow found its way into the net in the 2010 Stanley Cup Final. What a sneaky puck. No one aside from Kane even realized the game was over until Kane started jumping around like a lunatic. If that puck just did its job and found a pad or a post, maybe the Flyers win Game 6 in overtime and they win the Cup in Game 7. 

The Sixers: I was told there would be a moose.

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