Philadelphians are a diverse bunch, but the one unifying factor is our shared passion for the Eagles. There is a disgusting undercurrent that runs throughout the city though: Philly born-Cowboys fans. They are a mutant breed, a failed offshoot of everything that makes Philadelphia the greatest place on the planet.
This bandwagon fandom, whether inherited from an older relative or born from sheer ignorance and a lack of self-respect, makes me sick to my stomach. I tackled this topic of Dallas fans in Philly a couple years back. To be from Philadelphia is to be an Eagles fan. If you don’t bleed green, you’ll never quite understand the inferiority complex, the torture, the catharsis that defines the plight of Eagles fans.
Sports, at their simplest level, are all about civic pride!
Here are 10 reasons why Cowboys fans from the Philly area are the worst people around:
1. On the most jubilant night in Philadelphia since the 18th century, Cowboys fans spent February 4, 2018 sitting in their homes while Eagles fans poured into the streets and celebrated generations’ worth of worries going down the drain. These Dallas fans spent the evening dusting the cobwebs off their ‘90s VHS tapes.
2. They think bootcut jeans and flat brim New Era fitted hats are still the height of fashion.
3. They have truck nuts on their Ford F-250s.
4. They were the most annoying and most-hated kids in elementary school with their Cowboys Starter jacket on.
5. They covered up the “We ‘Dem Boys” tattoo they got on their bicep at 17 years old with a problematic tribal tattoo by the time they were 23, embarrassed at their own bandwagon behavior, but not embarrassed enough to quit the Cowboys for good.
6. They’re solely responsible for keeping Keystone Light in production.
7. They’re the first people kicked out of Xfinity every Sunday for ganging up in a fight with a random bystander they spilled a beer on.
8. They talk about supporting America’s Team, but have never been outside of the tri-state area, let alone step foot in Texas.
9. They take the easy way out in life. The whole Rocky persona in Philadelphia is a cliche, but in every cliche, there are roots of truth. Philly’s blue collar, hard-working ethos are in direct contrast to jumping ship and rooting for another team just because you like the dumb star that’s on their helmets and you wrongly believed Emmitt Smith was cool.
10. They’re also Lakers and Yankees fans.