The Eagles officially report to training camp today. While some beat writers may be covering boring topics such as who will be the team’s starting WILL linebacker or if Sidney Jones can finally live up to his pre-draft hype, I’m here to tackle the hard-hitting, under-the-radar questions that all Eagles fans deserve to know.
What is Doug Pederson’s favorite flavor of water ice?
It’s clear that Doug Pederson loves ice cream. Vanilla flavored Haagen-Dazs, to be exact (and none of that “Breyers BS,” as he would say). When it comes to Philadelphia, however, water ice rules the summer. In years past, the Eagles have frequently made Rita’s water ice (Pop’s, Italiano’s and John’s in South Philly are all markedly better, but I digress) available to media members at Eagles training camp practices. Look at it as a little mini reward for standing around in 20-year-old polo shirts, cargo shorts and Nike Air Monarch IVs in 96-degree heat. So what flavor would Doug like best?
Easy money is on vanilla, obviously given his ice cream love. Is Doug a vanilla person overall though? He is an archetypal middle-aged dad, sure, but his play-calling certainly isn’t vanilla. Rita’s has the classic flavors like cherry, chocolate, vanilla, mango and some others. I feel like Doug might go for mango. Just imagine him taking you to get water ice after your little league baseball game. He tastes his water ice, looks at you, smiles and says, “You know I’m a big mango guy.”
Who will be the Henry Josey Memorial Training Camp Fan Favorite?
This award could’ve easily been named after Ryan Moats, Paul Turner or Na Brown, but I’m going to give the title to Henry Josey, the 2014 undrafted rookie out of Missouri who had 225 rushing yards on 34 attempts in the preseason that year but still didn’t make the Eagles’ roster. People were mad!
Whatever player this ends up being, he will either be a wide receiver or running back. People only care about offense: pass-catching backs, gigantic possession receivers, speedy slot guys or bruising runners. These guys must be longshots to make the team to begin with to qualify. I think it’s DeAndre Thompkins. He’s an undrafted rookie receiver out of Penn State (people will eat that up and say he’s From Here even though he was born in Florida).
He averaged 15 yards per reception in his four years in Happy Valley. Big play potential! He only needs to catch one 55-yard touchdown in garbage time in the first preseason game from Clayton Thorson to have people buzzing that he should make the team over Mack Hollins. Is he an NFL player? Probably not. Will people care about that? Absolutely not.
Will Jordan Mailata get fullback reps?
Last year’s winner of the Henry Joseph Memorial Award, Jordan Mailata is an offensive tackle whose absurd physical profile and history as a professional rugby player in Australia quickly gave fans a reason to attach themselves to him. That background has irrationally caused Eagles fans to want to get Mailata involved with the offense as a skill position player. There’s no position old school football fans love more than a fullback.
The Eagles don’t even use a fullback, but when they’re up 38-7 against the Chargers in the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl and at the one-yard line going in, they need to turn Mailata into William “The Refrigerator” Perry and have him barrel through for the touchdown. Doug needs to start planning for this moment in training camp.
Mailata and I also go to the same barber, so if he scores a touchdown in the Super Bowl, it’s like I scored a touchdown in the Super Bowl. And I really want to do that.
Can Anthony Fabiano be the new Jon Dorenbos?
Former Eagles long snapper Jon Dorenbos has become a national sensation for his magic routine, as seen on America’s Got Talent, The Ellen DeGeneres Show and other similar programs. With Dorenbos retired, the Eagles are sorely lacking in players who can do weird stuff like magic tricks.
Enter Anthony Fabiano. He’s a 26-year-old center out of Harvard with one year of NFL experience under his belt. The Eagles’ website says he likes to juggle. Now, I obviously have never seen this guy play and I had no idea who he was before 10 minutes ago, but it is imperative that he makes the Eagles’ roster.
You need one guy in your friend group who can juggle or ride a unicycle or do a quick magic trick at a bar. If everyone in your friend group juggles or does magic, you’re either Gob Bluth or in dire need of some new friends. One guy who can juggle though? That’s key. The Eagles need a player like that in the locker room to keep things loose.
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