Ah, New England. It is so good to see you again, after all these years. Have you been thinking about us? We’ve definitely been thinking about you.
Has it really been thirteen years? Sounds like things have been pretty crazy on your end. Your coach got caught cheating. Then your quarterback got caught cheating, too. Wow, even the baseball team in your city picked up the habit, huh? I guess we’re not the only city that trusts a process.... though that seems to mean something a little different to you guys. “The Patriot Way” sure doesn’t hold as much water as it did back in 2004.
Things have been pretty busy over here, too. We got away from ourselves for a little bit there, went through this whole ‘Chip Kelly’ phase. Though it wasn’t all bad; he did help us give you guys a whipping in Foxboro back in 2015. Malcolm Jenkins had a 99-yard pick-six in that one. You’ll get to see him again this Sunday, by the way.
We heard you ran into Andy Reid a few months back. He never changes, huh? Though he seems to have figured you guys out, handing you a 42-27 beating back in Week 1 at home. Oh, and also a 41-14 beating back in 2014. Our new head honcho, Doug Pederson; he’s picked up a thing or two from Big Red, though we tend to think he’s a little better in a couple areas.
Hows Terrell Owens, you ask? Awkward story, actually. He betrayed us, but don’t feel bad. We got the last laugh. Revenge like that is kind of a big theme for us here. You ever see Rocky II? It may be worth checking out.
Speaking of revenge, the Giants send their best. I don’t know what you see in them. We’ve beaten them 16 out of the last 20 times we faced them, including in the playoffs the year after they ruined your perfect season. Asante Samuel (who I’m sure you remember) was able to hold onto the ball that year. Oh and by the way, that masterful defensive gameplan that took away your 19-0 chances? That came from us. Jim Johnson sent his regards.
Anyway, we’re really looking forward to reconnecting on Sunday. We know it wasn’t a big inconvenience for you; having to go through the 9-7 Tennessee Titans and the Blake Bortles-led Jacksonville Jaguars. I’m not sure if you heard, but we’ve had a bit of a bumpier path. Not that we’re complaining; it’s just so good to see you again.
Because we read the ESPN piece, and we heard that Josh McDaniels and Matt Patricia are abandoning ship. And while Tom Brady still looks pretty decent at age 40 (a hair transplant will do that), time is an undefeated opponent no matter how many cute Facebook videos your creepy trainer asks you to make. Whether you are ready to accept it or not, it’s pretty clear this crazy ride y’all have been on may be coming to an end, and soon.
That’s why we’re just so happy to be here with you, even if we’re starting a back-up quarterback, and a back-up left tackle, and a back-up middle linebacker, and a back-up kick returner. It was worth a year of listening to your boy Mike Lombardi talk smack about our head coach in some Machiavellian attempt to get his buddy a head coaching gig. Seriously, we’re so glad to have you here with us again, even if it means two whole weeks of having to listen to national media experts use the word “mystique” when talking about a 65-year-old man with a hoodie and a camcorder.
Because when this dynasty of yours does come to an end… and make no mistake, it will… we were always kinda hoping we’d get to be the ones to end it.
We’re looking forward to seeing you on Sunday, Patriots. It really has been too long.