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Blatter gives defiant, unintentionally-hilarious interview (even for him)

Sepp Blatter Press Conference

ZURICH, SWITZERLAND - DECEMBER 21: FIFA president Joseph S. Blatter attends a press conference as reaction to his banishment for eight years by the FIFA ethics committee at FIFA’s former headquarters at Sonnenberg on December 21, 2015 in Zurich, Switzerland. (Photo by Philipp Schmidli/Getty Images)

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We have no almost words, which is good, because Sepp Blatter has lots of ‘em.

The embattled former FIFA president not only says that he’s innocent in the awarding of the 2022 World Cup to Qatar, but that it’s impossible to wrongfully award a World Cup.

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Oh, and his ex-girlfriends are really supporting him.

From the BBC:

“I have killed nobody, I have not robbed a bank, I have not taken any money from anywhere and I was even treating well all my ex-girlfriends.

“It’s true. They defend me. One I was married to only for a few months and she is really defending me.”

To recap quickly, the following are on the same scale as being nice to women you’re no longer dating: murder, robbery, lesser stealing.

On a scale of 1-10, with 1 being boring and 10 being Mitch Hedberg’s best joke, that’s 143.

Incredibly, that hilarity is just mere defiance, not lunacy. Compare Blatter’s emotional thoughts on various sins to his continued lack of understanding at what people in power can and cannot accomplish:

“For 2022, Platini at least had the courtesy to phone me and say, ‘now we have had a meeting with the head of state and if the head of state is asking me to support France for different reasons then I will’. He said ‘my vote will not be for the Americans’.

“I knew then there would be a problem. We tried but it was too late.”

Yep. He knew there would be a problem, the votes had not been cast, and Blatter was like, “Well, certainly can’t talk to anyone who could help with this! It’s not like I’m the president of this thing.”

This guy is the Harry Redknapp of soccer’s governing body.

Follow @NicholasMendola