Here's an obnoxious NFL parlay I will be booking for Week 13


The point of this story is to outline an obnoxious, enormous parlay that Pete Hailey will be booking this weekend in Las Vegas, where he's headed to cover the Washington Football Team's game versus the Raiders.

Now, in no way is this story telling YOU to also book the obnoxious, enormous parlay. However, feel free to follow the bet's progress, and if Pete doesn't resurface again for a few weeks, well, you'll know it's because this whole thing somehow came through.

(Note: All odds are courtesy of our partner, PointsBet)

Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Atlanta Falcons

The play: Buccaneers to win both halves (+110)

The reasoning: As of writing, the spread for this one is Tampa Bay -10.5, and Tom Brady's bunch has been much better at covering when they're at home playing in front of that wacky pirate ship as opposed to when they're the visitors. On Sunday, they'll be the visitors.

So, instead of playing them straight up, I'll opt to bet them to win both halves at plus money. The first half should be no problem for them, and I'll hope that the Bucs can continue to overmatch the Falcons in the third and fourth quarters.

Arizona Cardinals @ Chicago Bears

The play: Cardinals moneyline (-351)

The reasoning: Taking Arizona just to win is about as cool as wearing cargo shorts, but I don't have a solid grasp on either side or the total. Therefore, I'll just wait for the Cards to get out of Soldier Field on top and keep this thing moving.


New York Giants @ Miami Dolphins

The play: Giants +4 (-110)

The reasoning: The Dolphins are winners of four in a row, yet Miami hasn't exactly caught any big fish during their streak.

Since Nov. 7, the Dolphins have beaten the Texans, the Ravens (OK, that was a strong effort), the Jets and the Panthers (on a day where Cam Newton went from Superman to Incompletionman.) Good for them for getting somewhat back in the AFC hunt, but they haven't impressed me yet.

Yes, I know the Giants' last victory was more a result of the Eagles' failures more so than New York's own success, but I'll trust them — even with backup Mike Glennon under center — to keep it close in this inter-conference tilt.

Los Angeles Chargers @ Cincinnati Bengals

The play: Chargers +3 (-110)

The reasoning: The Bengals are scorching — they've defeated the Steelers and Raiders in back-to-back weeks and done so handily in both instances — but let's not forget this is the same squad that fell to the Jets and got blasted by the Browns before their bye.

Is it possible Cincy figured something out during their time off and has adjusted to become a more consistent outfit? Sure. But I'm going to back the talented Chargers — who ought to be focused after a disappointing performance versus the Broncos last Sunday — as road dogs.

Philadelphia Eagles @ New York Jets

The play: Under 45 (-110)

The reasoning: The Eagles are favored by a touchdown, and if coach Nick Sirianni knows what he's doing, he'll repeatedly run the ball at MetLife Stadium to gain a lead and then drain the clock to get this boring contest over with. Unders stink — unless they cash.

Jacksonville Jaguars @ Los Angeles Rams

The play: Darrell Henderson to score a TD (-200)

The reasoning: When one side (the Rams) is favored by double digits over its foe (the Jaguars), picking the favorite's running back to cross the goal line is always a worthy move.

Henderson has notched eight touchdowns so far in 2021 and when LA gets in close, he's the guy they'll hand it off to. He's also proven to be a viable receiving threat and can break the plane that way.

Baltimore Ravens @ Pittsburgh Steelers

The play: Steelers +4.5 (-110)

The reasoning: This is perhaps my most beloved leg of this whole parlay.

The Ravens are 8-3, while the Steelers are just 5-5-1. Baltimore is coming off of a Sunday night home win over Cleveland, while Pittsburgh fell by 31 in Cincinnati. Why the hell are the Ravens not favored by more?

That question is precisely why I'm in on the hosts in the next edition of this historic rivalry.

I doubt Mike Tomlin and his roster had a very pleasant week of practice and think they'll be seriously ready to erase the memories of what happened at the hands of the Bengals. 

Also, when it comes to the Ravens, they've had miracle win after miracle win this season, including last weekend when they triumphed even though Lamar Jackson tossed four interceptions. They can't keep stealing results late. My parlay depends on it!


San Francisco 49ers @ Seattle Seahawks

The play: Final score to be an even number (+105)

The reasoning: There is no reasoning for a bet as stupid as this one. Zero justification.

Let's ride it, though.

Washington Football Team @ Las Vegas Raiders

The play: Washington +2 (-110)

The reasoning: The Burgundy and Gold have settled into such a physical formula and I believe it's one that should be good enough to handle Vegas.

When you combine how Washington's been running the ball lately with how poor the Raiders are at defending the run (25th in the sport), I wholeheartedly expect Antonio Gibson and his fellow backs to stay hot on the ground. 

As for the Silver and Black's offense, Derek Carr could be without Darren Waller and/or Josh Jacobs. At the very least, those two stars could be hampered by injury.

In being around Washington on a day-to-day basis, it's impossible to ignore the vibe that's growing around the team. As corny as it sounds, it does seem like the players are in one of those zones where they feel invincible. So, if I can snag them as underdogs, snag them I will.

Potential parlay payout: A $100 bet would pay $20,941. I can work with that.