Three top conspiracy theories relating to Washington's new name


Washington will unveil its new name on Wednesday, roughly 19 months after retiring its old one. In that span, roughly 19,000 theories have floated about in regards to what the next moniker will be, with the most conspiratorial coming since the franchise publicized its Feb. 2 announcement.

So, before this thing becomes official, let's recap the most creative reasoning folks have used when predicting Washington's next name...

The Commanding Too Much Attention theory

The extreme momentum behind Commanders being the actual choice has been building for weeks now, and it was bolstered on Monday when Joe Theismann went on CBS Sports Radio and intimated that would indeed be the outcome.

Additional evidence for Commanders includes this possible hint involving a website domain as well as some shenanigans on the team's TV show where an un-blurred Commanders logo made it to air. Plus, in general, it's military-themed (which matters to Ron Rivera and many in the area) and it's unique (even if a bit bland). 

But what if this is all just a giant ruse so that Wednesday is a complete and utter shock? That's an idea that various people are warming up to. 

Hell, sometimes an offense sets up on the goal line like it's going to run straight ahead but then it tosses a touchdown to a 330-pound tackle, right? The NFL is often about surprises — the freaking Bengals are in the Super Bowl, after all — and this situation will be no different.


Get ready for the Washington Water Taxis!

The Red Wolves Reversal theory

When the Burgundy and Gold disclosed last month that fan-favorite option Red Wolves was out of the running due to potential trademark issues/legal issues that only highly-paid lawyers really understand, a sizable portion of fans were disappointed.

But then a less sizable portion of those fans chose to put on their tinfoil hats (and matching tinfoil scarves and tinfoil gloves and tinfoil jackets) before claiming that this is the ultimate misdirection play by Washington.

To those with this belief — and if you spend enough time on social media, you'll run across them — president Jason Wright and his team let Red Wolves supporters down in January only to ultimately placate them this week.

Essentially, it'll be the, "You go and do something like this... AND TOTALLY REDEEM YOURSELF!" scene from Dumb & Dumber, except at FedEx Field and not in a movie. 

In this group's minds, there's simply no chance the organization would allow the threat of a court battle here or there get in the way of becoming the Washington Red Wolves (or RedWolves, or Redwolves). They're hoping that the love for this name conquers all.

The Groundhog Day theory

Feb. 2, 2022 — or 2.2.22, as Washington has been referring to it — is Groundhog Day on top of name day. You can probably see where this is going.

During the squad's peak back in the 1980s and '90s, fans and analysts called the team's dominant offensive line "The Hogs," and with the change coming on Groundhog Day, it's clearly the ideal occasion to be reborn as the Hogs. 

Never mind the fact that Wednesday is merely a convenient part of the league calendar where it ought to be relatively quiet or that it might just be the date when The Today Show could fit Washington into its programming.

Subscribers to this form of thinking are too busy watching old YouTube highlights to consider those angles. Instead, they know that when Punxsutawney Phil emerges from his dwelling, he will (it is a he, right?) enter a world that features the Washington Hogs.