NFL Game Pass is temporarily allowing anyone to watch any NFL game from 2009 to 2019 in its entirety, so we at NBCSportsWashington.com immediately cooked up a list of the five Redskins games most worth re-experiencing. It's a nice list, too.
But it's a list I'm going to ignore right now.
In order to help pass the time in what's an increasingly strange set of circumstances — look, walks are fun and all, but a person can only take so many walks — I decided to re-watch a past Redskins contest picked at random (in this case, "random" means "Google's number generator"). So, I ran that thing twice, once to figure out what year this matchup would come from and once to figure out the week.
That very nuanced, proprietary process led me to Week 14 of 2014, a classic December matchup between the 3-9 Redskins and the 6-6 Rams where only one side scored (and it wasn't the one Jay Gruden was coaching). Honestly, it'd be difficult to find a more depressing game. I immediately considered taking another walk and bagging this whole idea.
In the end, though, I chose to go through with it and take detailed notes during the whole thing. So, if you want to relive a very miserable Redskins loss from a very miserable Redskins season, keep on reading. It'll be fun. Maybe.
- This is the contest where Jeff Fisher trolled the Redskins by sending out the players his organization acquired in the RG3 trade for kickoff. Being trolled by Jeff Fisher has to be one of this franchise's ultimate low points.
- To start this broadcast, the sideline reporter explained that DeSean Jackson wasn't healthy enough to play, meaning it was time to "look for Andre Roberts to step up." What a preposterous thought that is.
- Trent Williams started at left tackle, which was a bit jarring after, ya know, last year's events. Colt McCoy, meanwhile, was the starting QB.
- After the SECOND play of the game, one of the commentators makes a note about how the field is slippery and players will lose their footing all afternoon. Thought they'd at least settle in a little and maybe point that out on, like, the third drive. But nah.
- Pierre Garcon hauls in three first downs on the Burgundy and Gold's first possession, including one where he just carries a DB past the sticks. Garcon was like if you put a linebacker inside of a wide receiver's body, then told that linebacker-receiver hybrid he'd get $1,000 for every person he ran over.
- Gruden had McCoy AND Ryan Grant on the same offense for this game. It's truly amazing he was able to call any play that didn't involve the first throwing it to the second.
- I just heard, "Phillip Thomas is in for the injured Brandon Meriweather." That sentence alone should earn Landon Collins another $10 million on his contract.
- After a pick, the Rams go on an 11-play, 51-yard drive that lasts seven minutes, includes a 3rd-and-32 and ends in a punt from the Redskins' 42. Why am I doing this to myself?
- The first ends with the score tied at zero. I will be grabbing a beer and also staring at the ceiling for a little bit before the second.
- After a Washington punt, then-St. Louis flies down the field and finds the end zone on a Shaun Hill to Jared Cook 35-yard touchdown. They, of course, miss the extra point. However, all they needed to do was notch a safety today and it'd be enough to blow out the Redskins.
- Tavon Austin rips off a 37-yard punt return after another sputtering effort by McCoy and Co. After reading the rest of this story — please don't leave me now, I need the company — watch Austin's college highlight tape on YouTube. He was such a baller at West Virginia.
- David Amerson sighting! Remember David Amerson? (It's OK if you don't.)
- Greg Zuerlein figured that one easy miss wasn't enough on this day, so he just botched a 28-yard field goal on top of his missed PAT. Both were pushes to the right. They looked eerily similar to numerous putts I've missed in my life.
- There have been multiple shots of Jeff Fisher covering his eyes from the sun by doing this. Hey Jeff, maybe you should've focused more on having proper sun-protection and less on your pregame trolling plan:
- Zuerlein misses his third kick of the day, this time an attempt from 38 yards out at the end of the half. His nickname is "Legatron," but I'm going to start calling him "Missatron." Roasted. The Rams go into halftime with a commanding 6-0 lead.
- The Rams begin the second half with very time-consuming slog that ends with a Zuerlein make. Someone must've reminded him in the locker room that his job was to kick the ball between the two tall, yellow sticks, not outside of them. 9-0, visitors.
- On a fourth down from his own 33, Gruden calls for a fake punt. Tress Way (future Pro Bowler Tress Way, pardon me) only gets two yards instead of the five he needed, though. This was a development that did not seem to please Jay:
- On an ensuing 3rd-and-12, Hill connects with Stedman Bailey for a first down. In that sequence, Redskins defenders looked like they were trying to tackle Barry Sanders. Man, it'd be a real shame if the draft of this story somehow didn't save and I lost all my progress and had to quit................
- On the following snap, Hill throws another scoring strike to Cook, despite some REALLY TIGHT coverage from Washington's defense. Look how he had to thread the needle:
- Instead of giving Zuerlein the chance to embarrass himself further, the Rams opt for a fake PAT and succeed. 17-0.
- Needing a response to, at the very least, show they have some fight left, the Redskins instead go three-and-out in less than two minutes. Alfred Morris' final stat line in this one (sorry for the spoiler) would be eight carries for six yards.
- Annnnndddddddddd here's the backbreaker: Austin wiggles his way past some Redskins special-teamers then explodes up the field for a 78-yard house call. Fisher, who's now found some shade on the sideline, is loving it (both the shade and the big play). At least one of us is happy.
- With their squad down 24-0, those still at the stadium begin chanting for Robert Griffin III to be inserted into the lineup. This is all so weird.
- McCoy gets sacked for a fourth time. Way is brought on to punt again. This offense is running like someone put its batteries in the wrong way.
- A bunch of uninteresting stuff happens for a bit before Washington strings together a 12-play possession that's unfortunately capped by another McCoy INT, this one on an underthrow to Jordan Reed near the goal line.
- The broadcast duo just described a Chris Baker tackle for loss with three minutes left in a 24-0 rout as a "big play defensively." I feel bad for them.
- For the sixth occasion, McCoy gets dropped, but this time he lands on his neck and is forced to exit. That means it's RG3's time. He notches three completions before an incompletion on a last-ditch fourth down. Hill takes a knee right after and this one is over. Sorry for the lack of bullet points about the fourth quarter. I was also doing laundry.
So, there you have it. If you read this entire recap of a 24-0 Redskins loss from 2014, I have two things to say to you: 1) Thanks and 2) Maybe you should go read a book now.
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