With the Olympics just complete, you should be plenty familiar with the finer details of the Games. Of course you know the events of the modern pentathlon are ... fencing, 200-meter swim, show jumping with horse, and pistol shooting while running 3,200 meters. You knew the shuttlecock travels at over 200 miles per hour -- the fastest projectile at the Olympics other than the ammo coming out of pentathletes pistols.
You canceled all appointments for 17 days to catch as much coverage as possible of team handball, trampoline, field hockey, sailing, freestyle wrestling, synchronized swimming and dressage.
I’m working on a new TV show -- "The Un-Olympics" -- that utilizes the Summer Games with an ongoing weekly competition that should make for thrills, chills, spills, laughs, sponsor support, media coverage, and huge TV ratings.
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Here is a list of potential events. Before going any farther, I want to sample your creative input for additional competitions...
Slightly Synchronized Platform Diving
Each team is composed of an accomplished competitive diver next to a certified Sumo wrestler. As they leave the board the diver has to complete the assigned dive as the Sumo does the most explosive cannonball possible. Judges will score based on least ripple and most explosive entry into the H2O.
Olympic Marathon Relay
Each nation’s team is composed of 26 individual milers. The top three runners from the 400 meters are then selected to race the final 385 yards for the three countries that are in front after 26 miles.
Surprise Steeplechase
Steeplechase originated in England when runners would race from one town’s church to another jumping obstacles like streams and rock walls. In the modern event runners have to clear 28 three-foot fixed barriers and seven water jumps during the race. Without their knowledge, the size of the three-foot barriers will be raised and lowered right before runners get there. The seven water jumps will all have different depths and length filled with liquids including mud, jello, ice, frogs, bourbon, minestrone soup and quick-dry cement.
Shot Put Catch
This one is pretty simple. Every alternate to their country's weight events is selected to catch the first toss from his country's thrower. Catcher with fewest injuries wins lifetime medical coverage and a slot on his country’s shot put team in Tokyo.
Table Tennis With Badminton/Tennis Rackets
Participants get to chose which racket they want to use. International table tennis rules apply.
Quicksand Beach Volleyball
This new sport has quicksand pits that pop up without notice during matches.
800-meter Synchronized Swimming Relay
Each team of four has to complete at least six moves during their 200-meter leg. Nose clips and jelled hair included. Tag have to be made underwater toe to toe.
Coed Tug of War
Tug-of-war used to be an Olympic event. I think it’s time to bring it back to settle international disputes. The United Nations in partnership with the IOC will select several significant thorny issues between countries. Each country can select a dozen contestants -- 12 men, 12 women -- to tug it out. As an example, loser abides by the winning teams’ edict.
North Korea vs South Korea
Great Britain vs European Union
Syrian Government vs Syrians
India vs Pakistan
Sudan vs South Sudan
USA vs Canada & Mexico -- Winner get’s ownership of North America.
Coed Water Polo
Nations must select their leading professional fashion models, whether or not they can swim, to participate in this event. Speedos for the men and bikinis for the women will be mandatory with no headgear allowed.
Gold Medal Toss
Similar to the Hammer throw. Every Olympic gold medal winner has to sling their medal as far as possible. The top three distances receive the weight of their gold medal in real gold.
Tall Tales with Ryan Lochte
Every Olympian will be able to submit their favorite story from Rio in 500 words or less. Winners will receive free legal representation from Moskowitz LLP.