HOT TAKE: Things aren’t great for the Bulls right now. Between fired coaches, player mutinies, getting trolled by the Kings, and a 6-22 record, it's tough to find things to get excited about. It's never good when the off-court news drowns out any on-court accomplishments. If this was a work of fiction it might be downright interesting. This feels more like 90s wrestling than 2018 NBA. In the spirit of taking a break from the negative stuff, and honoring the Gods of Content, here are the 2018 Bulls if they were Attitude Era WWE Superstars.
(Editor's Note: The WWE Attitude Era was 1997-2001)
Slam Dunks Don’t @ Me
Zach LaVine is The Rock
The Rock conquered Hollywood, LaVine went to UCLA. The Rock’s finishing move “The People’s Elbow” is the most electrifying move in sports entertainment. A Zach LaVine dunk is the most electrifying move in the United Center. The Rock was the “People’s Champ”. Zach became the Bull’s “People’s Champ” when he was top 5 in scoring in the face of injuries and team dysfunction. Do you smell what LaVine Cuisine is cooking?
Bobby Portis is Ken Shamrock
Bobby is the emotional leader and brings 100 percent intensity each and every game. Ken Shamrock was called “The Most Dangerous Man in the World.”
NBA
Wendell Carter Jr. is The Undertaker
The Undertaker wasn’t always the elder statesmen of wrestling. When he debuted at Survivor Series in 1990, he was a 6-foot-10 athlete with a stoic personality who seemed mature for his age and had a huge upside. Sound like anyone you know? They even called The Undertaker, “The Phenom”. Can we please start calling Wendell Carter Jr. “The Phenom”? Please?
Ryan Arcidiacono is Billy Kidman
Ok, Billy Kidman was with WCW during the Attitude Era, but this is too perfect. They are both undersized fan favorites who overachieve and show flashes of brilliance. Plus they are 90’s dreamy. #TWOTIGERBEATS.
Lauri Markkanen is Chris Jericho
Both are blonde, charismatic, foreigners who have the potential to be The Best In the World. Jericho would often talk about how he would “save the fans” and Markkenan returned last week to save us from this season.
Justin Holiday is Christian
Both are solid, reliable athletes that have more heralded brothers. Christian is no Edge and so far Justin has not been Jrue. Both Justin and Christian can thrive if in the right circumstances.
Kris Dunn is Eddie Guerrero
Let’s hope Kris Dunn has the chance to have a career like Eddie Guerrero. Dunn is an undersized determined athlete with the work ethic heart and IQ to be great. Eddie Guerrero was an undersized determined athlete with the work ethic heart and IQ to be great and became great. We haven’t seen enough from Dunn to know what we have.
Robin Lopez is Kane
Cam Payne is X-Pac
Still Trying Figure Out and Welcome Suggestions Please @ Me
• Chandler Hutchison is the Lethal Weapon Steve Blackman
• Jabari Parker is Razor Ramon
• Shaq Harrison is D’Lo Brown
• Denzel Valentine is Val Venis
• Cristiano Felicio is Gangrel