Tuesday, Oct. 5, 2010
By Joe Collins
From The 'Who Needs The '85 Bears' Department: If you want to see a good defense, head to Vernon Hills High School. Their football team has not given up a single point this season, outscoring their opponents 290-0. Every other team in Illinois has given up at least 22 points. That's nothing short of astounding. Oh by the way, their offense is paced by wide receivers DaVaris Daniels (son of former Bear Phillip) and Evan Spencer (son of Bears running backs coach Tim).
From The 'I'm Also Afraid Of Mr. Food & That Six Flags Old Guy Mascot' Department: I had the chance to witness Northwestern's 29-28 win in Minnesota in person on Saturday. I realized a few things: (1) TCF Bank Stadium is a great place to watch a game. And it's within footsteps of fraternitysorority row...if you're into that sort of thing, (2) Golden Gophers fans wouldn't let head football coach Tim Brewster sit at the kiddie table if he crashed their Thanksgiving party, (3) I'm scared to death of mascots. Is there anything more annoying and awkward than when a mascot comes up to you at a game? It's tantamount to when actors at an improv show start coming into the audience looking for volunteers. (Cue "Airplane" movie soundbite: "It's coming right at us!"). Goldy Gopher came over to where our group was sitting and started doing his shtick. I'm sure my response was similar to what you might have gone through during similar situations: pretend you don't see the mascot, act all startled when he's in your face, faux-laugh at him for two seconds, say something to him before you realize he can't say anything back to you, go back to focusing on the game, realize he's not going away, start texting some random person for the heck of it, notice that he's still making fun of you, get upsprint to concession stand to get a 4 hot dog.
From The 'Wait...It Gets Better!' Department: On Sunday, Brewster said the following: "We could be sitting here 5-0 right now." Minnesota is 1-4. All four losses have come at home, including a pillow fight bruising by South Dakota. Their one win was over 2-2 juggernaut Middle Tennessee.
From The 'Talk About Random' Department: Juan Pierre finished the 2010 season with three triples for the White Sox, only two more than the equally swift Paul Konerko.
From The 'Your So Crazy And I Am To' Department: Look, I'm not saying that I'm Johnny Grammar or anything (this column alone is at the seventh grade level), but I have noticed the breakdown of our society in how certain people have completely scrapped "you're" for "your" in conversations that call for "you are" or the suitable equivalent. You see it a lot in Tweets and Facebook status updates: "Your so right!" I see it a lot on the pages of athletes I follow on those sites. The difference between "you're" and "your" is taught in elementary school. Are we really getting that stupid? It's the same with "to" and "too"-- "I ordered that same pizza to!" Makes me want to ROFL. And I don't mean that as the acronym for rolling on the floor laughing-- I mean that because "ROFL" looks like a sound that a person would make while dry heaving.
And Finally, From The Prediction Department: Bears 19, Panthers 17.
Or Something Like That.