Ugh, Marf Sanchez.
Between his Vidal Sassoon hairstyle, this ridiculous Baywatch pic and the fact that he totally sucks at football, I just can’t take him anymore. To make matters worse, the Eagles backup backup quarterback (THAD LEWIS?!) is no better. So how’s this for a suggestch: what if we were to replace Marf Sanchez with an ostrich? I know, I know, you’re probably wondering: can an ostrich succeed in a pro-style offense? And I’m not sure. I’m honestly not sure. But I am sure that he would look adorable with a little helmet on.
Still, I have my doubts. So I figured before we start an official #Ostrich4QB movement, why not do a little research about ostriches first?
Here’s what I found on Wikipedia:
Ostriches can range from 6’11” to 9’2” in height.
Okay, that’s a good start. The Eagles have been struggling all season with high snaps, and a tall, lanky, hilarious-looking bird could easily handle all of Jason Kelce’s moon balls. Good job, ostrich. Problem solved. Plus…
Ostriches’ eyes are the largest of any land vertebrate, helping them to see predators at a great distance.
We’ve started two-for-two here, folks. Mr. Ostrich’s height, and his enormous bulbous eyeballs, will allow him to see over his offensive line, and help him recognize when a free safety is lurking in the distance. He might not know what a free safety is, or what a person is, or what he’s doing on a football field with a football in his mouth, but he’d still be a major upgrade over Marf Sanchez (who best I can tell has played most of his career with his head firmly implanted inside his own anus).
The Ostrich can run at speeds up to 43 mph, the fastest land speed of any bird.
Now we're talkin’! Forget about Jordan Matthews having to hold onto the ball, if the ostrich gets outside the pocket (and I have a feeling he will, in fact he might even start there), he’s taking it to the house (or running literally anywhere else in the stadium, or out of the stadium, or straight down Pattison Avenue). He’s a loose cannon, that ostrich! This is very exciting. Maybe we could get him to return punts too.
The ostrich lays the largest eggs of any living bird.
Not really sure how that helps, but I’ll take it.
When threatened, the ostrich will either hide itself by lying flat against the ground, or run away.
Ahhhh, the ole Riley Cooper move. It didn’t work the first time for the Eagles, but you know my motto: I’ll try anything four times.
The ostrich has just two toes on each foot (most birds have four)...
… and can cover 3 to 5 yards in a single stride.
WAS THIS ANIMAL BORN TO PLAY FOOTBALL? Key third down conversion: give it to da bird! Hey Coach, play clock’s ticking down, what play should we run? Uhhhhhh, I dunno, maybe give it to ole Two-Toed Tony? MOVE THE CHAINZ, ZEBRAS.
Ostriches can tolerate a wide range of temperatures.
Nice to know!
The ostrich lacks a gallbladder.
Sanchez has 12!
With their acute eyesight and hearing, ostriches can sense predators such as lions from far away.
Here’s a little bit of sports journalism for ya: next Thursday, a certain Philadelphia Eagles professional football team travels to where?
To play who?
I smell a W!
And I’m not even an ostrich!
If approached, ostriches often run away, but sometimes they can be very aggressive when threatened, especially if cornered.
Good. I want them to be aggressive. Not like Checkdown Charlie over here (that’s what I call Sam Bradford, and no Sam Bradford isn't with me, you just have to pretend that I was pointing at him). By the way, I think I figured out the whole “how do we keep an ostrich from running the wrong way” thing. It’s simple. We’ll set up cheetahs in the back of our own end zone. That way, when the ostrich feels pressure, he’ll run (FORTY-THREE MILES AN HOUR) the other way!
We might be goin’ to the playarfs, people! Keep the ostrich stats coming!
When attacking a person, ostriches deliver slashing kicks with their powerful feet, armed with long claws, with which they can disembowel or kill a person with a single blow.
Editor's note: It's been pointed out that @NHLFlyera also wrote about ostriches in hockey. Apologies to him for stepping on his ostrich turf. We'd also like to apologize to the entire ostrich community.