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Should the Eagles replace Mark Sanchez with an ostrich?

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Should the Eagles replace Mark Sanchez with an ostrich?

Ugh, Marf Sanchez.

Between his Vidal Sassoon hairstyle, this ridiculous Baywatch pic and the fact that he totally sucks at football, I just can’t take him anymore. To make matters worse, the Eagles backup backup quarterback (THAD LEWIS?!) is no better. So how’s this for a suggestch: what if we were to replace Marf Sanchez with an ostrich? I know, I know, you’re probably wondering: can an ostrich succeed in a pro-style offense? And I’m not sure. I’m honestly not sure. But I am sure that he would look adorable with a little helmet on.

See?

Still, I have my doubts. So I figured before we start an official #Ostrich4QB movement, why not do a little research about ostriches first?

Here’s what I found on Wikipedia:

Ostriches can range from 6’11” to 9’2” in height.

Okay, that’s a good start. The Eagles have been struggling all season with high snaps, and a tall, lanky, hilarious-looking bird could easily handle all of Jason Kelce’s moon balls. Good job, ostrich. Problem solved. Plus…

Ostriches’ eyes are the largest of any land vertebrate, helping them to see predators at a great distance.

We’ve started two-for-two here, folks. Mr. Ostrich’s height, and his enormous bulbous eyeballs, will allow him to see over his offensive line, and help him recognize when a free safety is lurking in the distance. He might not know what a free safety is, or what a person is, or what he’s doing on a football field with a football in his mouth, but he’d still be a major upgrade over Marf Sanchez (who best I can tell has played most of his career with his head firmly implanted inside his own anus).

The Ostrich can run at speeds up to 43 mph, the fastest land speed of any bird.

Now we're talkin’! Forget about Jordan Matthews having to hold onto the ball, if the ostrich gets outside the pocket (and I have a feeling he will, in fact he might even start there), he’s taking it to the house (or running literally anywhere else in the stadium, or out of the stadium, or straight down Pattison Avenue). He’s a loose cannon, that ostrich! This is very exciting. Maybe we could get him to return punts too.

The ostrich lays the largest eggs of any living bird.

Not really sure how that helps, but I’ll take it.

When threatened, the ostrich will either hide itself by lying flat against the ground, or run away.

Ahhhh, the ole Riley Cooper move. It didn’t work the first time for the Eagles, but you know my motto: I’ll try anything four times.

The ostrich has just two toes on each foot (most birds have four)...

Okay.

… and can cover 3 to 5 yards in a single stride.

WAS THIS ANIMAL BORN TO PLAY FOOTBALL? Key third down conversion: give it to da bird! Hey Coach, play clock’s ticking down, what play should we run? Uhhhhhh, I dunno, maybe give it to ole Two-Toed Tony? MOVE THE CHAINZ, ZEBRAS.

Ostriches can tolerate a wide range of temperatures.

Nice to know!

The ostrich lacks a gallbladder.

Sanchez has 12!

With their acute eyesight and hearing, ostriches can sense predators such as lions from far away.

Here’s a little bit of sports journalism for ya: next Thursday, a certain Philadelphia Eagles professional football team travels to where?

Detroit!

To play who?

DA LIONS.

I smell a W!

And I’m not even an ostrich!

If approached, ostriches often run away, but sometimes they can be very aggressive when threatened, especially if cornered.

Good. I want them to be aggressive. Not like Checkdown Charlie over here (that’s what I call Sam Bradford, and no Sam Bradford isn't with me, you just have to pretend that I was pointing at him). By the way, I think I figured out the whole “how do we keep an ostrich from running the wrong way” thing. It’s simple. We’ll set up cheetahs in the back of our own end zone. That way, when the ostrich feels pressure, he’ll run (FORTY-THREE MILES AN HOUR) the other way!

We might be goin’ to the playarfs, people! Keep the ostrich stats coming!

When attacking a person, ostriches deliver slashing kicks with their powerful feet, armed with long claws, with which they can disembowel or kill a person with a single blow.

LET’S GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

SUPER BOWL™™™™®™™!!!

PAGEVIEWS!!!

OSTRICH!!!

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Editor's note: It's been pointed out that @NHLFlyera also wrote about ostriches in hockey. Apologies to him for stepping on his ostrich turf. We'd also like to apologize to the entire ostrich community.

Process Like You: Joel Embiid got the Sixers their biggest win of the season last night

Process Like You: Joel Embiid got the Sixers their biggest win of the season last night

I'll admit it: I thought they were done. Down seven and dragging in the fourth quarter, it just didn't seem like the Sixers had the energy or the shooting to get the buckets needed to get back in it against the Minnesota Timberwolves. And then once Philly battled back and Jimmy Butler hit that three to put the Wolves up two in the final minute -- of course he did, the NBA is still shooting 100% on That Shot against the Sixers -- you just kinda had to laugh about the Sixers losing another game in such a fashion. 

But then, Joel Embiid got deep post position, drew a Minnesota desperation foul, and calmly sank two free throws to tie it. Butler missed an off-balance jumper in the waning seconds of regulation, and for the first time this season, the Sixers headed to overitme. It was uncharted territory for these Sixers, and it seemed like they might be able to steal one. And they actually did, emerging with a 118-112 win

Before we get into Embiid's performance, and all the reasons this was such a clutch W for the Sixers, first a quick word about Robert Covington: Damn, this team needs Robert Covington. As much shooting as it seems like this team has when everything is clicking, when even one key perimeter player is missing, it's amazing how quickly things fall apart -- within minutes, we're kicking out to Trevor Booker and Richaun Holmes behind the arc and they're going "wait, what am I supposed to do with this?" (Actually, Richaun is more than happy to fire away from deep, but that's its own set of problems.) Not to mention how little wing defense we have without RoCo -- hardly surprising that Butler went for a season-high 38 against J.J. Redick and Dario Saric. We are in much trouble if Cov misses any more time for Philly, so get well soon, Rock. 

And also, another quick word on Ben Simmons: We're really starting to see how his limitations end up affecting the whole team. Not to harp too much on our star rookie's fairly rare off night -- just seven points, also with that many turnovers -- but when there's not a surfeit of shooting around him, the floor shrinks on Simmons pretty dramatically, and if the team's interior passing and quick-cutting isn't executed at 100% around him, it's pretty tough for them to find easy buckets. The team struggled to generate offense for most of the night, and it's something that's gonna happen occasionally with Simmons running the show, especially without Covington around to handicap his lack of range a little. 

All right, now Joel: Holy s--t, what a player. Last night wasn't his best game as a Sixer, certainly -- no one would confuse his final stat line for his now perma-bronzed 46-15-7-7 line against L.A. last month -- but it really might have been his most impressive performance, pro particularly down the stretch. 

Hitting those two free throws alone would have been tremendous enough: A center on the line, with the game on the line, on the road, with your team in the midst of a four-game skid? Calmly stepping up and sinking those without getting hyped on too much passion is no small ask, certainly, but JoJo did it with sweat to spare, even ending the game 11-12 from the stripe in total. Over the last five games, Joel is getting to the line 12 times a contest and converting a stunning 87% of those opportunities; exactly what he needs to do to become an absolutely dominant big man in this league. 

But that's far from all The Process did late in this one. He also found his struggling co-star Ben Simmons with perfectly timed entry feeds as the Fresh Prince snuck around his defender and the basket for a couple easy deuces. He also torched a toasted Karl-Anthony Towns for a couple big buckets in and around the post, after KAT had proven Embiid's match down low for much of the game's second half. And he hit one absolutely gigantic three to put Philly up seven and essentially seal the game in OT, confidently stepping into it from the top of the arc after passing up open triples all night. He ended the evening with 28 (on 8-16 shooting), 12 and a career-high eight assists, with only two (!!) turnovers on the evening. 

The biggest number from Embiid's performance, though: 5. That's how many fouls he ended with -- and also how many fouls he had entering the stretch run of the fourth quarter. In games past, that would either mean JoJo would invariably pick up No. 6 within minutes playing his typically aggressive help defense, or that he'd essentially foul himself out by playing matador defense on the perimeter and backing away from contact at the cup. Credit Embiid, his teammates and Brett Brown for figuring out a way to continue to leverage Jo's defensive strengths (particularly on one expertly played perimeter sequence against Butler) while also handing off some of his post gruntwork to teammates Richaun Holmes and Dario Saric. That meant our franchise player could preserve himself a little while staying in the contest, not costing the squad easy hoops, and still putting the rest of the squad behind the wall of Embiid. 

The late-game performance was particularly meaningful for the Sixers in this one, because maaaaan did we need a W. Four losses in a row, dropping the Ballers all the way back down to .500, with injuries starting to become a major factor: Another loss or two and all the positive momentum from the season's first quarter would've threatened to start slip-sliding away. Now we enter a stretch of three imminently winnable contests -- against OKC, at Chicago, and back home for our Sacramento revenge game -- with a one-game cushion, reason to feel optimistic again, and our recent losing streak only a memory. Stolen Ws llke last night's in Minny are the kind that superstars should occasionally afford you just by virtue of their greatness, and we can only hope it's just the first of countless more to come from our eminently trustworthy Process.

Eagles fan performs most beautiful version of 'Hallelujah' in tribute to Wentz

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Eagles fan performs most beautiful version of 'Hallelujah' in tribute to Wentz

There have been some tremendous covers of Leonard Cohen's masterpiece, "Hallelujah," over the years.

Jeff Buckley's immediately comes to mind. The kids these days are into Pentatonix. Kate McKinnon as Hillary Clinton to cold open SNL was a work of art.

But one Philadelphia Eagles fan may have recorded the most beautiful, heart-wrenching version yet. It's a tribute to recently fallen hero of Philadelphia, Carson Wentz.

You may be suspect before you click and watch, but wait 'til you hear the lyrics. This refrain will absolutely sell you:

He goes through his reads, the 4th, the 5th

Does a spin, makes the lineman miss

He throws to Ertz, a touchdown - hallelujah!

Brings a tear to the eye. Miss you, Carson.

[via r/eagles]