According to multiple sources, the eighth and final season of a little indie show called Game of Thrones is scheduled to premiere on Sunday. This momentous event has, understandably, elicited thousands of preview articles and podcasts – Might I recommend an episode co-hosted by yours truly? But to this point, the biggest and most important question has yet to be asked: Which NFL team most closely resembles the notable houses of the Seven Kingdoms?
House Targaryen
If this had been written before Robert’s Rebellion, the Patriots would have been the easy choice. The only Valyrian dragonlords to survive the Doom, the Targaryens, led by Aegon and his two sister-wives, Rhaenys and Visenya, conquered all of Westeros except Dorne and the area north of the Wall, setting up a Dynasty which lasted for nearly 300 years. Recently, however, things have not been going great. Apoplectic after the prince “abducted” Lyanna Stark, Robert Baratheon crushed Rhaegar Targaryen’s chest with his warhammer at the Battle of the Trident, and the Mad King Aerys was stabbed in the back by the Valonqar Kingslayer, ending the dynasty seemingly once and for all. Something similar happened in Cleveland in 1995, and though there have been some fleeting moments of happiness – thanks for the fantasy points, Derek Anderson and Braylon Edwards – the Browns have been beset by failure since returning to the league in 1999. That said, things look like they are about to change for both the Targaryens and the Browns. With Baker (of chains, amirite?) Mayfield running the show and a host of dragons on both sides of the ball, the Browns appear on the verge of conquering the (AFC) North and perhaps even the realm as long as that pesky Night King does not get in the way.
House Stark
A more storied house than the Starks does not exist. Descended from the First Men, the Starks have been the principal house in the north for thousands of years, are responsible for the construction of the Wall, and are arguably the most important house in the Song of Ice and Fire saga. With that history in mind, any comp for the Starks has to be a franchise with a glorious past which has remained relevant in recent years and, preferably, resides in the north. The Bears certainly fit that mold and deserve a mention, but the Packers have just as much history with much more recent success, giving them the nod. If reports are to be believed, Green Bay’s main characters have also had a rough go of it in recent seasons, and the comparison is sealed by the three-eyed Rodgers brushing off and blocking out Greg Jennings and Jermichael Finley – you deserved better, Meera.
House Lannister
This one might end up being controversial if the fan base views the comparison as an insult, but that is far from the truth. Cersei has done more than her share to ruin the family name, but the Lannisters are an old, powerful house which has played a part in almost every major historical event. More recently, the boss himself Tywin made his name by obliterating two houses – “The Rains of Castamere” is about that triumph and, non-coincidentally, was played during the Red Wedding – served as Hand of the King to Aerys, sacked King’s Landing during Robert’s Rebellion, and was probably the most powerful person in the Kingdoms even during Robert’s reign. Looking at that history, it is difficult not to think about the Cowboys, who both have a storied past and a more recent resurgence under a controversial leader. The Jerry Jones era also has a striking resemblance to the emergence of House Lannister. As the legend goes, Lann the Clever tricked the Casterlys into giving up Casterly Rock, allowing him to take over and establish the famous house. Vikings fans know the feeling.
House Baratheon
The Baratheons present a difficult challenge. They are not as old as the Starks or Lannisters, emerging after Aegon’s Conquest, but they are the only house aside from the Targaryens that has sat on the Iron Throne. While Robert and his “children” should be considered the main line, the house was broken up into three branches after Robert won the throne, and all three of those branches ended up fighting against each other following the events of season and book one. That level of dysfunction brings several franchises to mind, Miami and Washington chief among them, but the recent major success of the Baratheons rules them out. The Steelers are a better fit. They have won two Super Bowls since 2005, advanced to another, and been in the playoffs all but five seasons in the last 15 years. They also have Ben Roethlisberger, a close match in size and, allegedly, leadership ability with Robert. Most importantly, their once mighty trio has been broken up, and one of the members is currently waging a war of social media posts against his former family. Still talented, the Steelers are unlikely to have a tragic end, but the similarities are there.
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House Tyrell
The major houses in the story have already been discussed, but there are a few secondary houses which deserve a mention. The Tyrell’s are atop that list. Aside from having The. Best. Character. in the story, the Tyrells are the second-most wealthy house in the Kingdoms behind just the Lannisters and used that money – along with Margaery and to a lesser extent Loras – to make multiple plays for the throne. Those attempts came with little success, which is often the case for NFL teams who spend big in free agency. Washington certainly knows that lesson well, but the Jets have outdone them in recent offseasons including spending $95 million guaranteed on Le’Veon Bell, C.J. Mosley, and Jamison Crowder this March. It also helps that the colors kind of match.
House Greyjoy
Far from pleasant people who hail from far from pleasant islands, the Greyjoys have ruled the Iron Islands for hundreds of years and have been a pain in the Kingdoms’ side for most of them. One such example is the Greyjoy Rebellion in which Theon’s father, Balon, declared himself King of the Iron Islands. The uprising failed, and Theon was forced to go live with the Starks as insurance Balon would not revolt again, setting up a major character arc. The Greyjoys are obsessed with competition – the iron price – making them like every NFL coach who has ever lived. Specifically, though, the Seahawks have taken that mantra to the extreme, something which was especially true of Pete Carroll last offseason. The Seahawks are quite a bit more likable than the Greyjoys, but that similarity shines through.
House Martell
The only house to successfully resist the Targaryens when they initially conquered the Seven Kingdoms, the Martells rule Dorne, the warmest region of Westeros which produces goods like lemons, oranges, and wine. It is difficult not to think about California when picturing Dorne, so it makes sense to start there. The 49ers have been too successful to be a great candidate, the Raiders are about to move, and the Rams just got there after a couple of decades in the Midwest. The Chargers, however, have always been in SoCal, even if they recently moved north, and they share something in common with fan favorite Prince Oberyn. Despite having one of the best quarterbacks in the league for the last 15 years, the Chargers have routinely underperformed or failed in big moments. Unfortunately for Oberyn, he knows the feeling.
House Tully
The Tullys are an old house which took over rulership of the Riverlands after Aegon’s Conquest, playing a major role ever since. It is also the house of Catelyn Stark, who is the daughter of Hoster Tully and sister to Edmure Tully, and her uncle Brynden Tully, a tall drink of awesome better known as the Blackfish. Unfortunately for the once-great house, Edmure takes control early in the story, has a rough wedding night, and that is about it. A great house in decline could fit many franchises, but the events of this offseason make it tough to overlook the Giants. Their general manager has made a series of questionable decisions including trading their best player, getting rid of their best defenders, and holding onto Eli Manning, who Edmure imitated during his father’s funeral. Maybe it works out better for the Giants, but things are not looking promising right now.
House Arryn
While the Arryns do not play a major role in the main story – the death of Jon Arryn does get the ball rolling – they are an old, great house which has ruled the Vale since the Andal invasion. More importantly, the now-deceased Jon mentored both Robert Baratheon and Ned Stark, protected them from the Mad King, and was a major player both during and after the rebellion. In that way, the house is a bit like the Bengals, a team which has had little success of their own but has been home to a surprising number of notable coaches. Paul Brown helped found the organization and coached the team for the first eight seasons, and a young Bill Walsh worked as a position coach on those teams. Legendary defensive coordinator Dick LeBeau got his first coordinating job and only head coaching job in Cincinnati. Marvin Lewis is certainly not on the same level as those guys, but Cincy’s consistent success under him led to several assistants getting head coaching jobs including Mike Zimmer and Jay Gruden.
House Tarly
The Tarlys are not a “great” house, but they are a major family in the wealthiest region which owns a Valyrian steel sword. More importantly, one of the most vital characters from A Song of Ice and Fire calls them family, and including them on this list is mostly just an excuse to compare Sean McVay to Sam. Sure McVay takes physical fitness slightly more seriously, but both are whiz kids who have done things no one has before or at least in a long time. McVay is the youngest coach to lead a team to the Super Bowl in the history of the NFL, and Sam cured a disease which was usually a death sentence and would at best leave a person scarred for life, even if that cure was filmed in the most revolting way possible. As McVay likely will for the NFL over the next decade or more, Sam will have a lot to say about how this story finishes.
House Mormont
Olenna Tyrell is the best character – @ me all you want. She is the answer – but little Lyanna Mormont is the pound-for-pound champ. She is not the only important character from this house, either. Jeor Mormont was Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch at the beginning of the story and an important character in Jon Snow’s development and Jorah Mormont is the on-again, off-again advisor to Daenerys Targaryen. That means the Mormonts play a large role in shaping the two most important characters in the saga as well as claiming one of the best characters despite only being the lords of a remote island. In some ways that makes them like the Saints and Chiefs, teams which have had success and been important franchises as of late and, in the Chiefs’ case, throughout the history of the league despite playing in relatively small markets. Having people like Sean Payton, Andy Reid, Drew Brees, and Patrick Mahomes certainly helps.
House Bolton
Are you serious? I am not comparing an NFL team to the house of Roose and Ramsay. The same goes for the miserable House Frey. I do not need that in my mentions.
