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CBT’s Unified College Basketball All-Name Team

God'sgift Achiuwa

St. John’s God’sgift Achiuwa (3) ducks the ball for two points against Georgetown during first half of their NCAA college basketball game on Sunday, Feb. 12, 2012, in Washington. (AP Photo/Richard Lipski)

AP

Compiled by Eric Angevine and Troy Machir

If pitchers and catchers reporting is a rite of spring, the college hoops All-Name Team is the definitive rite of autumn. For years, Troy and I toiled separately, each producing our own All-Name lists in our own styles; him for Ballin’ is a Habit, me for Storming the Floor. Now, like chocolate and peanut butter, like NBA and ABA, like Franklin & Bash, we’re finally united, working in tandem to make your life just that much better.

Seriously, pull out your cellphone and snap an arms-length picture of yourself. You’re going to want to remember where you were when this happened. You’ll want to tell your grandkids - Dundrecous, Maverick and little Bol Bol - about this day.

Without further ado, we’d like to present the unified CollegeBasketballTalk All-Name Team. Because if you can’t trust guys named Machir and Angevine to sniff out goofy names, who can you trust?

First Team All-Name

*God’sgift Achiuwa (pictured), St. John’s – Quite simply, manna from heaven for scribes like us.

*Indiana Faithfull, Wofford – Seriously, Tom Crean? You couldn’t find a scholly for this kid?

*Danrad “Chicken” Knowles, Houston – Phi Slama Jamma. Dream. The Glide. Chicken.

Claybrin McMath, Bryant – Small-college forward, or character on Adventure Time?

Staats Battle, N.C. State – Definition of irony: 1.8 mpg, 1.0 ppg, 0.5 rpg, 0.2 apg, .28% FG.

*Consensus pick


Second Team All-Name

Sanjay Lumpkin, Northwestern – The love child of Sanjay Nahasapeemapetilon and Lurleen Lumpkin? Stranger things have happened.

Dusty Hannahs, Texas Tech – “Dude, did you see the Dusty Hannahs on Austin City Limits last night?” “Nah, man. I was watching college basketball.”

Mo Ali-Cox, VCU – Mo Ali-Cox, Mo Ali-Problems.

Raven Barber, Mt. St. Mary’s – Wearing a smock, sweeping up hair? That’s so Raven.

Kannon Burrage – UT-San Antonio – We’re pronouncing it like “barrage”. We don’t care if it’s wrong.


Third Team All-Name

Marcellus Barksdale, IUPUI – Shades of Pulp Fiction and The Wire. What’s his middle name, Heisenberg?

Deverin Muff, Eastern Kentucky – Don’t laugh. He’s probably up to his neck in a fashion accessory for outdoors usually made of a cylinder of fur or fabric with both ends open for keeping the hands warm.

Blondy Baruti, Tulsa – Mr. Baruti shaves his head, but we feel reasonably certain he’s a brunette.

Hooper Vint, UTEP - A whole range of career options are available for Mr. Vint if basketball doesn’t pan out. For instance: he’d make an excellent county sherriff. Also, Hooper Vint: Private Eye is a show we’d all watch.

Simeon Esprit, Penn – A captivating new fragrance by Jean-Ralphio.


Honorable Mention: Ice Asortse, Stephen F. Austin; Quevyn Winters, Duquesne; Scooter Gillette, Niagara; Jordair Jett, St. Louis; Stanton Kidd, North Carolina Central

Also receiving votes: Cal Poly’s Drake U’u, a perennial all-namer who lost some of his former shine this year. Younger brother Parker U’u is diluting the brand as a freshman at Hartford this season.

Team of the Year: The Cal Santa Barbara Gauchos – Dalante Dunklin, Keegan Hornbuckle, Prince Arceneaux, Holt Dunlap, Duke DaRe, Drew Dickey, we salute you.

Special Teams: The second half of our All-Name Team, featuring the All-Gender Confusion team and more, can be found here.

Eric Angevine is the editor of Storming the Floor and tweets @stfhoops. Troy Machir is Managing Editor of Ballin’ is a Habit and tweets @TroyMachir