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And That Happened: Tuesday’s scores and highlights

Phillies 1, Giants 0: Philadelphia was cruising before Cole Hamels woke up. Now they’re positively terrifying. Two hitter. Nine Ks. Dear God.

Braves 4 Marlins 3: Tim Hudson is back, pitched well, etc. etc. OK, with that out of the way, let’s get down to brass tax. This from reader Matt H.:

The SportSouth broadcast of the Braves-Marlins tonight showed the jumbotron at Landshark Stadium while Omar Infante was at bat. In the foreground was the obligatory head shot, with his name and number. In the background was--I kid you not--a picture of the General Lee in mid-jump. Yes, that General Lee. I am as big a Braves fan as there is, and I have no idea why the Marlins put that graphic up. Is slick and sophisticated Miami poking fun at backwoods Georgia? That doesn’t make sense, since any linkage of the General Lee with the Braves is a net win for the Braves.

Seriously. Was that supposed to be a slam? Why don’t you just call the Braves handsome and give them some free pie while you’re at it, because there is nothing cooler than being associated with The General Lee. Maybe the Bandit’s Trans-Am. Maybe.

Tigers 8, Indians 5: Aubrey Huff was 2-2 with 3 RBI. Sadly, David Huff did not pitch for the Tribe or else I’d be forced to go Groucho for the second time this year. Cleveland gave up 13 hits and walked six guys and that lead to the loss. A child of five would understand this. Quick, send someone to fetch a child of five. Carlos Carrasco was called up from my hometown of Columbus to pitch in this disaster. You’re a brave man, Carlos. And remember, while you were out there risking your life and limb through shot and shell, we were all in here thinking what a sucker you are. Oh crap, I did it again.

Twins 4, White Sox 3: The White Sox lose. They were probably discombobulated from having the team’s average age plummet by eight years since Monday night’s trades. Jeff Manship gave up one run over five innings. He didn’t figure in the decision, but boy howdy do I like to say “Manship.”

Cardinals 7, Brewers 6: Joel Pineiro is the only dude in baseball who can get away with striking out no one. St. Louis is 30-4 since July 1st in starts by Wainwright, Carpenter and Pineiro. I predict one awesome NLCS, assuming we can dispose of L.A. and whoever wins the wild card quickly enough.

Rangers 5, Blue Jays 2; Rangers 5, Blue Jays 2: Fill my eyes with that double vision. No disguise for that double vision.

Cubs 4, Astros 1: In the fifth, Jeff Baker hit what appeared to be an inning-ending double play, but Miguel Tejada made an errant throw to second, allowing Soriano to advance to third. I had no idea that Baker was from the Dominican Republic.

Red Sox 8, Rays 4: The return of Andy Sonnanstine was less than fabulous (4 IP, 8 H, 5 R), and I think it’s gettin’ time to bid adieu to the Rays in 2009. Papelbon pulled a Gossage and pitched a two-inning save. Then he grew a ridiculous mustache and went on a rant about pitchers today are wusses.

Reds 11, Pirates 5: Game story: “Pittsburgh is four defeats shy of becoming the first major American professional team to string together 17 straight losing seasons.” What happens first: the Pirates break .500, or Sid Bream dies of old age?

Rockies 8, Mets 3: Lance Broadway pitches two scoreless innings in relief for the Mets. In other news, “Lance Broadway” was the name I used on vacations to Las Vegas between the years 1996 and 2002.

Yankees 9, Orioles 6: Two homers for Posada and another shaky performance from Burnett that is likely to fly under the radar. According to the game story, Posada lost track of the count twice. The second time he hit a homer after mistakenly thinking he struck out. You’d think that a catcher of all people wouldn’t lose track of the count.

Dodgers 4, Diamondbacks 3: Matt Kemp homered for the fourth straight game. The last Dodger to do that was Hee Seop Choi so, you know, heady company. A spectacular catch by Andre Ethier in the eighth inning followed his bases-loaded walk in the seventh which brought in the winning run.

Royals 4, Athletics 3: The A’s had their chances, but they stranded 11, going 1 for 10 with men in scoring position.

Padres 4, Nationals 1: I’m guessing no one outside of Padre or National Nation knew this, but apparently the Padres have owned the Nationals over the years, having gone 30-9 against them since they ceased to be the Expos.

Mariners 2, Angels 1: A week or so ago Ken Griffey, being interviewed by a Cincinnati magazine, said that he was going to make it so that music from “The Nutcracker” played when Adrian Beltre returned from his injured testicle stint on the DL. I thought that was harsh and I didn’t think he’d actually do it, but I’ll be damned if he didn’t in this game. I think something about that should make up the final line on his Hall of Fame plaque.