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This is why we can’t have nice things: Chelsea out of Champions League

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Chelsea’s Spanish striker Fernando Torres reacts during the English Premier League football match between Arsenal and Chelsea at The Emirates Stadium in north London, England on September 29, 2012. AFP PHOTO/ADRIAN DENNIS RESTRICTED TO EDITORIAL USE. No use with unauthorized audio, video, data, fixture lists, club/league logos or “live” services. Online in-match use limited to 45 images, no video emulation. No use in betting, games or single club/league/player publications. (Photo credit should read ADRIAN DENNIS/AFP/GettyImages)

AFP/Getty Images

Chelsea blew away Nordsjælland -- and not a moment too soon, as I’m growing very tired of typing the team of Michael Parkhurst -- but Juventus’ 1-0 defeat of Shakhtar Donetsk rendered the result at Stamford Bridge meaningless: The Blues are the first defending champion to fail to reach the knockout stage.

It’s also the first time in 11 appearances that Chelsea has not gotten out of the group stage. That’s actually really impressive on a number of different levels, almost none of them good.

Silver linings? Well, six goals! That’s a lot. And Chelsea sits in third place in the English Premier League. So they have that going for them. And Fernando Torres scored two goals, which is always fun. And their owner still has more money than like all of Denmark. And Rafa Benitez hasn’t been fired. Yet.