1. Broncos (5-0; last week No. 1): The bad news is that Von Miller is still one week away from coming back. The good news is that the last game he’ll miss comes against Jacksonville.
2. Saints (5-0; No. 3): If they keep playing away from home like they played in Chicago, maybe they won’t need home-field advantage in the playoffs.
3. Colts (4-1; No. 6): Maybe “percipacious” means “best quarterback in league history with a neckbeard.”
4. Seahawks (4-1; No. 2): Maybe “percipacious” means “quarterback who can sense when I’m going to be lollygagging.”
5. Chiefs (5-0; No. 5): Can their defense hold Peyton Manning to fewer points than their offense can score?
6. Patriots (4-1; No. 4): Their record is still better than it could be, or perhaps should be.
7. Ravens (3-2; No. 10): From pretender to contender, in one three-hour stretch.
8. 49ers (3-2; No. 11): With only 15 passes thrown, it’s arguably an insult to game managers to call Colin Kaepernick a game manager.
9. Packers (2-2; No. 13): The team without a defense and an offensive line suddenly found both.
10. Lions (3-2; No. 7): Without Calvin Johnson, the Lions aren’t much better than the Jaguars.
11. Bears (3-2; No. 8): They may not have to worry about winning 10 games and not making the playoffs.
12. Dolphins (3-2; No. 9): Maybe some of that money should have been spent on the offensive line.
13. Browns (3-2; No. 14): With Lions, Packers, and Chiefs coming up, 3-2 could quickly become 3-5.
14. Bengals (3-2; No. 15): They’re learning how to win; they now need to figure out how to learn not to lose.
15. Titans (3-2; No. 12): The Titans are still doing better than anyone expected, but they could be/should be 5-0.
16. Jets (3-2; No. 25): Maybe busting up Mark Sanchez’s shoulder in the preseason was the smartest move Rex Ryan ever made.
17. Cardinals (3-2; No. 19): Bruce Arians will be “seeing the dominance” of the 49ers and Seahawks soon.
18. Raiders (2-3; No. 28): The Raiders have found their quarterback; hopefully, they’ll find the rest of the team.
19. Chargers (2-3; No. 17): “We’re 2-0 against the NFC East” doesn’t have quite the caché it used to.
20. Eagles (2-3; No. 23): “We’re 2-0 against the NFC East” doesn’t have quite the caché it used to.
21. Cowboys (2-3; No. 21): Until there’s a “moral victory” tiebreaker, we don’t want to hear it.
22. Rams (2-3; No. 24): Does beating Jacksonville at home by only 14 count as a “moral defeat”?
23. Texans (2-3; No. 16): The Texans should petition the league to play all remaining home games on the road.
24. Bills (2-3; No. 18): They say if you have two quarterbacks, you don’t have any. The Bills say please shut the hell up about that.
25. Panthers (1-3; No. 20): Dave Gettleman denies that he has begun to compile a list of coaching candidates. Based on Sunday’s game, he should be.
26. Vikings (1-3; No. 26): Maybe they’ll move Christian Ponder and Matt Cassel to receiver, too.
27. Falcons (1-4; No. 22): So when does Tony Gonzalez ask to be traded back to the Chiefs?
28. Redskins (1-3; No. 27): If RG3 can continue his mastery of the Cowboys, the Redskins can climb back into the NFC East race.
29. Steelers (0-4; No. 30): When Levi Brown is the answer, you don’t really want to know the question.
30. Buccaneers (0-4; No. 31): Not losing to the bye week should be regarded as a sign of progress.
31. Giants (0-5; No. 29): It’s still too early to completely write off the Giants. But it’s getting closer.
32. Jaguars (0-5; No. 32): With Blaine Gabbert out, maybe the Jaguars will be only 24-point underdogs at Denver.
